Burntwood county councillor Jeff Sheriff emerged from the shadows for the fifth time in the space of a week with the remarkable claim that migrants are attracted to UKIP. He said:
‘I woke this morning to find one sitting on my face, dirty stinking foreigner.’
Popular local naturist and badger-hugger Georgia Locock explained :
‘These migrants have travelled hundreds of miles from North Africa and Southern Europe.
‘ The Convolvulus Hawk moth is the largest moth in Europe with an average wingspan of 10cm.’
Promoting this month’s Moth Nights event , Georgia continued:
‘This beautiful palm-sized creature is attracted by the smell of tobacco, beer and wine.’
Local UKIP chairman Peter Cope said:
‘Our members are particularly vulnerable to attack by these foreign migrants. They have evolved an immunity to the natural repulsion of all living creatures to UKIP policies and are attracted to the overwhelming stench of stale beer and tobacco seeping out of our every pore. It’s time David Cameron stood up to them and told them to f**k right back off to where they came from.’
It has been a particular problem for UKIP Pub Landlord John Rackman (92) of the Kings Head. He said:
‘Give me a minute, I’ve just read something about this.
‘These big bastards are all over us, feeding off our beery hair and beards and they just can’t get enough of our alcohol-sodden soft furnishings. My regulars are covered in them.’
Mr Cole added:
‘These are economic migrants and need to go. They are threatening the livelihoods of our indigenous moths, there just aren’t enough dirty old UKIP clothes to go around.
‘And with a proboscis reputedly longer than their own body length these bastards are a threat to our women folk. We all know that our girls are particularly vulnerable to exploitation by anything with an enormous tongue.’
The bat-sized moth has been spotted as far north as the Shetland Islands. Members of the SNP have been alerted.
Anyone who would like to participate in this month’s Butterfly Conservation Society’s Moth Nights recording project is advised to hang out a beer-soaked smoked kipper in their garden after dusk.
Go to www.butterfly-conservation.org for more details.
Lichfield UKIP “flying ant day” brings a swarm of press releases from anonymous racially challenged politicians
The unseasonally warm weather and the Jeremy Corbyn effect is being blamed for the sudden appearance of elderly unkempt politicians in the Lichfield area.
Burntwood South has not been represented by County Councillor Jeff Sheriff since 2013. Apart from a brief appearance alongside Pub Landlord Guvnor John (“I’m 70 years-old you know”) Rackham in the 2015 GE campaign, Cllr Sheriff has not been seen in public since his election to the County Council. Although there are unconfirmed reports that he was once spotted at Sankeys Corner looking confused and asking for directions to Stafford.
In recent days however the unseasonably warm weather and the ascendancy of Labour Leadership candidate Jeremy Corbyn has seen a sudden reappearance of Cllr Sheriff and his equally visually challenging UKIP colleagues.
Lichfield Green Party has started an online petition calling for Lichfield district to house ten refugee families. Commenting on the unfolding humanitarian crisis in Syria, the UKIP Sheriff commented :
‘These people are foreigners, whole families of foreigners in fact, fleeing persecution and death in their own country, parents risking the lives of themselves and their children to overcome unimaginable challenges, travelling by land and sea across continental Europe in the hope of finding sanctuary within the Wall.
‘The Lichfield Greens are emotionally stupid – ten, yes ten, families they want housing – do they not know the sort of strain that this will place on the local council tax payers? Yes, none, but I don’t bloody well want them here and neither do my mates, sorry UKIP officials, at the Kings Head.
‘Anyone fancy a chinky?’
Peter Cope, Chairman of the local UKIP branch believes public sympathy is misplaced. He said:
‘Ten families of foreigners? Do you know what sort of strain that will place on the local infrastructure of the wealthy district of Lichfield? Yes, that’s right, no strain at all. But I don’t want them here.’
Mr Cope, who has also not been seen in daylight since the General Election, continued:
‘That little drowned foreign boy and his poor brother who no-one much cares about because we didn’t get a photo, they were put in a boat and killed by their father, its as simple as that.
‘Cameron should stop being so weak, stand up to that German bitch Chancellor Merkel and start drowning them himself. The Royal Navy have been acting like a ferry service, well if they want a ferry service send in the Herald of Free Enterprise that’s what I say.
‘I don’t really feel like a chinky tonight Jeff, how about an Indian?’
John Rackham (85) has not been seen outside of the Kings Head since the General Election fiasco. Tonight (Tuesday) he is unwittingly playing host to local Leftie group of stone-gazers, Lichfield Discovered. Group leader Kate Gompertz said:
‘As a foreigner myself, I really don’t know what possessed me to arrange a meeting here, giving our hard earned cash to this character to fund his malign causes. And I can tell you, if he starts to falteringly recite the UKIP manifesto policy on immigration the cardigan will be on and I’ll be off.
‘Actually I fancy an Italian, get your coat love, you’ve pulled.’
The Society of Flying Ant Days wishes to disassociate itself from the sudden emergence of the UKIPs.
As the nation decides and the voters of Lichfield (and half a dozen folks from Burntwood) anoint Michael Fabricant on his triumphant return to Cathedral Close for another term, what becomes of the other candidates?
Chris Worse-y (Labour) leaves Lichfield for the final time and returns to his real life as a Sandwell Councillor hoping to be nominated in a West Midlands constituency that he is actually interested in when he leaves college in five years time.
The LibDem candidate Poor Ray, having failed to be elected either as our new MP or as councillor for Chadsmead returns to his charismatic and ever popular day job as a banking lawyer. The only chance he has of being called “councillor” [sic] is if he transfers to the New York Bar.
Pub Landlord, “the Gu’vnor” Johnny Rackman returns to the Kings Head stunned by the fact that despite the height of his campaign being his faltering rendition of sections of the UKIP manifesto, he has actually come second. Hosting a “private” party in the pub into the early hours of Friday morning celebrating the life of the comedy script writer Roy Clarke, the ruddy faced drunks head off to Burntwood Leisure Centre for the count.
On hearing the declaration he becomes giddy, not through an excess of Pedigree ale but rocked by the realisation of “what the fuck would I have done if I’d actually won”
Rob Pass of the Green Party impressed many during the campaign and benefited from the piss-poor performance of the
LibDems. When even the LibDems own campaign team say they’ll vote for another candidate you know it’s not going to end well. As a result the Greens keep their deposit and the passionate and earnest Pass returns to his beloved Tree house hoping that the coming years will involve more sex.
Water-gypsy and angry T-shirt printer Andy Bennetts burst onto the Lichfield political scene as the Class War Party candidate. Class War is a party of shaven-headed banner-waving drunks, the Provisional Wing of the Labour Party, whose image prompted Michael Fabricant to call for police protection at the Cathedral hustings.
In reality Bennetts fought a refreshing, articulate and entertaining campaign and captured the nature of the constituency perfectly. My favourite moment was at Speakers Corner where a CND/Green lady urged the crowd to join a protest against Trident outside of Waterstones in Birmingham the following day. Bennetts responded:
‘I don’t think there are any nuclear weapons in Waterstones Birmingham, so if you’re serious about protesting get a train to Faslane.’
A Class Act yet he loses his deposit but having been out drinking all day he doesn’t give a toss, after all it wasn’t his fucking money anyway.
The Stick was a late-comer but wowed the crowd with his appearance as Michael Fabricant’s alter-ego at the Speakers’ Corner hustings. He listened carefully to the debate, allowing the other candidates to put their case undaunted by the presence of the great parliamentarian himself. On international affairs Stick remained tight lipped about his travels far and wide around the globe, thereby avoiding the crowd’s heckle: “Pity you never managed to find Burntwood.”
Stick will now assist Michael Fabricant with his constituency work. Whilst Mr Fabricant is busy drinking with cronies in Cafe Nero or retweeting Twanks to his sycophantic Twitter followers, Stick will be holding the fort in Burntwood. Regular surgeries will be the order of the day, Stick will go along to the Leisure Centre twice a month and listen attentively to the health and welfare concerns of the Lost Tribe.
Stick will then say nothing and do nothing, just like Mr Fabricant himself.
Anyone who is concerned about the outcome of this election is advised to wait, another may well be on its way sooner than expected.
Lichfield and Burntwood UKIP candidate John Rackham promised local voters a real treat when he announced a series of public readings following his hugely successful appearance at the People InSpired election hustings last Sunday (19 April).
‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’
The city’s favourite barman added:
‘I was delighted that over 300 people packed into the Cathedral to see me and listen to what I had to say. And I can tell you they were stunned into silence by my eloquent reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto.’
The owner of The Kings Head pub in Bird Street can be found manning the UKIP stand in Market Street each Saturday in the run up to the General Election. Accompanied by fellow UKIP members and nightclub bouncers, John hands out leaflets and chats with local white middle-class voters of limited intelligence.
This Saturday (25 April) John will be joining the other parliamentary candidates for a hustings at Speakers’ Corner. John said:
‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’
‘Dozens of people have come up to me in the boozer and said “Pint of Pedi please guv’nor” That’s what they call me you know, “The Guv’nor”, like in them gangster movies and Eastenders, ’cause I may be 69-years-old but I’m still fuckin’ ‘ard. And they say to me, “Loved your reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto guv, when can we hear more?”
‘Well there’s much more where that came from I can tell you, join me at the Speakers’ Corner on Saturday.’
At the Cathedral last Sunday John demonstrated his oratory skills as he read segments verbatim from the UKIP manifesto in response to impassioned pleas from the audience for guidance on a wide range of issues. He even threw in an ad-lib in reply to a question on what UKIP would do about climate change. To the delight and amusement of the audience John responded:
‘I’ve just read something about that…oh yes here we are – as you all well know, our position on climate change is “we’ll be keeping an eye on that”.’
After the break in proceedings,during which the congregation were invited to use the toilet facilities in McDonald’s Restaurant, John returned to the stage to apologise for the poor sound quality during the first session. He explained:
‘Apparently I should hold the microphone closer to my mouth, which I find a little bit of an odd suggestion as most of the time I’m talking out of my arse.’
The Kings Head is the oldest pub in Lichfield dating back to 1408 and is the birthplace of The Staffordshire Regiment. In honour of the pub’s military connections John has expressed a wish to expand his public reading repertoire. He explained:
‘I’m 69-years-old you know.
‘I plan to find time at the next hustings to give a poetry recital with a military theme.
‘ I had originally considered something by Siegfried Sassoon, but then our UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff pointed out that the guy must be a bloody German, that his middle name was Loraine and that after the War he went on to become a ladies hairdresser. That ticks all the wrong UKIP boxes.
‘So I’ve chosen “Dulce Et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen, he sounds like a good old fashioned English heterosexual to me, even if his poem does sound a bit French. Here’s a little extract:
“But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…
Dim, through the misty panes…”
‘Sounds a bit like me on Sunday evening at the Cathedral come to think of it,’ reflected the 69-year-old boozer.
Anyone who wishes to contact Burntwood UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff, who has not been seen in public since his election in 2013, are advised to contact him either at The Kings Head or with the assistance of a medium.
Al Murray was unavailable for comment.
As the 2015 General Election campaign gets into it’s stride Lichfield’s Green Party candidate Robert Pass declares that when he is elected as MP Lichfield will become the UK’s first independent Amish community.
Rob will contest the seat currently held by Michael Fabricant on May 7. He grew up in Whittington and attended school in Lichfield before studying Old Chinese Proverbs at Birmingham University. He has also been an environmental campaigner with Birmingham Friends of the Earth and works in the family rag-and-bone company, “Where There’s Muck There’s Money” Limited based in Birmingham.
‘Admittedly I’ve never travelled very far from home in my life, but then a pony and trap has a very limited range.’
The Green Party’s local spokesperson is Whittington based Simon Partridge. The self-styled “Elegant Vintage Vocalist” and lounge lizard crooned:
‘There may be trouble ahead, but while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, we couldn’t have hoped for a better candidate than Robert to represent the Green Party. And dance.’
The Green’s launch party was held at Burntwood Rugby Club where the campaign’s incoherent national policy was explained to an uninterested audience. Attracted to the event by the warmth of the venue on a freezing-cold Sunday afternoon and with the promise of free lentil soup and herbal tea, the five locals were left bemused by the Green Party policy pledges (many of which are true) including:
- Handouts of £250 billion to enable people to “choose whether or not to bother going to work.”
- Basic maths and economics – banned as irrelevant
- Inheritance tax – 100%
- Cars – banned
- Foreign holidays – banned
- Imports – banned
- The sex industry- compulsory.
- Prisons closed and inmates released to work on the land and paint barns doors.
- Independent schools – banned.
- Religious instruction – banned.
- Basket weaving,ploughing and tree-whispering will become core subjects.
- Wispy beards compulsory for all, including womenfolk
- Advertising – banned.
- International sporting fixtures – banned.
- New airports – banned.
- New homes and businesses to provide stables for horses.
- Helicopters – banned.
- Abortion liberalised to allow doctor’s receptionists to carry out the procedure
- Breastfeeding in public – compulsory
- Membership of a terrorist groups – discretionary
- As the standing Armed services are “unnecessary”, bases will be turned into nature reserves and the arms industry “converted” to produce wind turbines.
- The monarchy will be abolished and the Queen will become a tenant of Bromford Housing
During the eight hour launch party Mr Partridge glided amongst the gatherers to give wonderful renditions of timeless Green Party classics such as Pennies From Heaven, Call Me Irresponsible and Anything Goes . Rob was delighted and commented:
‘A big thanks to Lloyd the Bartender, this style of music has always appealed to the Greens – the Big Banned Sound.’
Speaking later from his home in the Tree-house at the bottom of his parents’ garden, Rob said:
‘The Green Party offers a truly bonkers alternative to real world politics. I’m proud to stand as Green Party candidate in my home city and pledge to fight for an economy that functions in the interests of the common good, for a society that is fair and democratic…’
‘…and a planet that is habitable for future generations Rob,’ prompted the Tree, quietly but with a hint of menace.
Anyone wishing to send their loved ones off in style can contact Simon for a funeral wake package at www.simonpartridge.com
The candidates standing in the Lichfield constituency in May are:
- Andy Bennetts – EDL Splinter Left Drunk Faction Party
- Michael Fabricant – Whigs
- Robert Pass – Amish
- John Rackham – Pub Landlord FUKP
- Paul Ray – Sepia Jacobson Bored Lawyer Party
- Chris Worsey – Labour (Sandwell) 2020 Party
The Class War Party has announced the selection of local anarchist Andy Bennetts as it’s parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood in the 2015 General Election.
Class War, a UK class-struggle based group founded in 1983 by Ian Bonehead, became a registered political party in 2014.
Local water-gypsy and part-time comedian Andy said:
‘Class War puts working class politics at the heart of everything that it does, which means it is angry and fucking sweary just like all the great unwashed stereotypical working class that we claim to represent. They’re all at it, those stereotypical working class guys, boozing away the weekend on Carlsberg Special Brew, shagging ugly drunk birds and telling the Filth to “just fuck off out of my face”.’
Speaking at his launch event through a megaphone to group of five Tennents Super connoisseurs Andy compares the general election to a “‘periodic circus”.
‘Lichfield’s MP on May 8 will be Michael Fabricunt, he could go on fucking holiday today to his country mansion and leave his wig to fight the campaign and still win.’
Speaking from his North Wales country retreat Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I take nothing for granted. I stand on my record. Is it over yet?’
Mr Bennetts continued:
‘We’re having more of a pantomime than an election. Chris Whoishey is busy trying to make a good impression on the Labour party in the hope of being selected to fight a winnable seat in Sandwell in the future. Robert Passable (Green Amish Party), Paul Ray (Browne Nose Party) and the Pub Landlord (UKIP) are all trying to raise their profile locally in the hope of some success in local council elections.
‘This election is a lot of old fucking bollocks.’
When not on his canal boat swearing at passers-by and barking at dogs Andy works at Sabcat a Pelsall based Antichrist Workers Co-operative that sources ethically produced fair wear, organic, low-carbon T-shirts and then prints foul language and offensive images onto them for money.
Anyone who would like to learn more about the Provisional wing of the Labour Party can go to https://www.facebook.com/LichfieldClassWar
Anyone who would like to follow Andy’s antics in BBC TV’s House of Fools can go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5x79f1JLL4zYKZpcFKDjvYh/q-a-with-vic-and-bob