LABOUR parliamentary candidate for Lichfield, 17 year-old Sandwell College student Chris Whoishey, visited 5SL’s offices recently to introduce himself.
Our receptionist, Cloe, said:
‘Sorry the job of sourcing and photoshopping copyright pictures has been filled.’
Chris pushed his way passed and insisted:
‘I think I’m part of the next generation of politicians, I can’t be sure, but I’m told that I think I am,’ said Chris.
‘Everybody, including me, is pretty sick at the way things are going currently.
‘Sorry, but as you can see, my PR advisors can barely string together a coherent press release, and don’t get me started on the clichés.
‘What we need is less talk and more action. I got involved in politics because I genuinely believe I can make a difference. And in my short time already I think I have.’
‘See what I mean, I’m talking utter bollocks!’
Chris Whoishey is a local man, if you live in Walsall, and is studying for an ‘A’ Level in Career Politics at Sandwell College. Last year he completed a weekend break in New York which led to a work experience job in a large bank in London, but he soon realised that a career in banking was not for him.
‘After 6 months I woke up and thought “I’m crap at this”,’ said Chris.
‘I could see my life mapped out for me, yes I could see that I was about to be fired, and didn’t like what I saw.
‘I really had no choice but to move back home with Mom, became self-unemployed and get involved in the Labour Party.”
Lichfield’s current MP Michael Fabricant has represented the constituency since 1992.
The flamboyant former whip and Preston Crown Court star prosecution witness is a popular figure in the constituency and won with a 17,683 majority in 2010, 10,000 votes up on the previous election in 2005.
‘I’ve got nothing against him personally,’ said Chris.
“The stuff I’ve seen of him has made me laugh – like wearing the fake tash in Parliament, appearing in clown costume around Lichfield, donating his hairpiece to the Cathedral Christmas tree, dressing up as Judy Garland and, most hilariously, pretending to care about the route of HS2,’ added Chris.
‘Lichfield is a lovely place to live and I’m just hoping for the opportunity to visit the Cathedral City some day. For the moment though I’m happy to stray no further than Burntwood border and bask in the sycophantic adulation of the bitter elderly socialists of the PRofB and Brownhills.”
Outside of ‘work’ Chris enjoys football and also declares himself a big Villa fan.
“Many of my Labour heroes are also big Villa fans, for instance former PM and alleged war criminal Tony Blair has a big Villa in Tuscany.
‘As for the football, the first season I started going with my dad and brother David Prescott to see the Aston Villas was 1992/93 – we finished second. Mmmm perhaps not a great metaphor,’ said Chris reflecting again on his choice of PR firm.
‘My Dad turned to me and said “Why don’t you come up to live with me in Hull and spend a few years in the merchant navy, that’ll toughen you up you little scrote.” That’s the last time he spoke to me, until my recent selection. Bastard.’
“I’m also a cricket fan, like my other Labour hero, former Conservative PM John Major. He ran away from the circus to become a politician, just like Mr Fabricunt but in reverse. So to speak, and no that wasn’t a euphemism.
‘I played cricket in Lichfield once at the old Birmingham Road ground before it was sold off and converted into a block of slum flats fit the 2020’s
‘I’ve also recently got into running – running for office, running out of time, running to catch up, running for cover in Burntwood.’
Chris said he was raised on music from the 60s and the 70s and, under his pseudonym Chris Worsley, is now an accomplished cellist, having played for a while with The Divine Comedy. The metaphor is again a little unfortunate as one commentator commentated:
‘He’s just changed from on big fiddle to another.’
The next few months are likely to be very busy for Chris who is getting married in August to Hannah, who teaches English as a second language to English kids at a school in West Bromwich.
‘Things are hectic at the moment what with the wedding and parliamentary campaign but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hopefully after the wedding Hannah will be able to help translate my press releases into English,’ he added.
Anyone who wants to know more about how Chris will overturn a 17,683 Conservative majority can contact former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, no expenses spared, at the UHB NHS Trust and @smithjj62 . Mrs Smith who attended a local fund raising event for Chris said:
‘Leave my husband out of this. I have friends who know what you’re watching as well you know.’
LABOUR Parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood 2015 general election has been forced to deny that Lord John Prescott of Hull is his biological father.
Chris Worsey said:
‘Ever since my selection, rumours have been circulating about my parentage. I can categorically deny that John Prescott ever had congress with my mother.’
Mr Worsey, 17, grew up near Great Wyrley and played cricket. He is currently part-way through an ‘A’ Level course in Career Politics at Sandwell College. He added:
‘I would be proud to represent Lichfield, a fantastic historic City with a fine tradition for Morris dancing. I hope to visit one day.’
Lord Prescott’s acknowledged son David Prescott failed in his father’s bid for him to become the parliamentary candidate for Greenwich and Woolwich. His Lordship commented:
‘David has been a great disappointment to me and his mother, whoever she may be. But you have to move on in public life and young Chris Worsey is a great fellow. I clearly remember passing through West Brom in the ‘90’s so there’s a good chance that we are related. Needless to say, I was instrumental in his selection.’
Mr Worsey’s reluctance to acknowledge his ancestry is understandable. Once considered to be an advantage, the offspring of famous political parents now view their linage to be more of a hindrance.
Highly tipped to stand for a safe Labour seat in 2015, son of former Prime Minister and alleged war criminal, Euan Blair has not had the courage to put his head above the political parapet. City banker Blair Jnr commented:
‘If it could be guaranteed that I would move straight into a ministerial post, become Prime Minister within 5 years, shag a press baron’s missus and then retire to become a multimillionaire on the world public speaking circuit, then yes, maybe. But a constituency MP, with Friday surgeries for ‘local’ people with drainage worries? I don’t think so.’
Local Labour party activists however have a different perspective on the influence of political families. Brownhills activist Jim Hardman said:
‘Euan Blair didn’t get selected through choice but because, as Tony’s son he is, how do they say down south? Toxic.’
Not every child of the famous have fared so badly. Will Straw, son of former Foreign Secretary Jack Straw has been selected as Labour candidate for Rossendale and Darwen in Lancashire. Jim Hardman commented:
‘That was a slightly different case, as a former cannabis seller Will Straw is an established character in his own right. Most people don’t remember Jack Straw, I showed a photo of him at a meeting recently and a few said they thought they recognised him, but only as the guy from ‘Wycliffe’ who was in that play at the Lichfield Garrick last week.’
Other ‘dynastic’ children have changed their name to escape the curse. Only after selection for Lewisham did Joe Dromey admit that his mother is in fact 2015 Labour leader Harriet Harman, he said:
‘It’s bad enough having Jack ‘Pikey’ Dromey, Labour MP for Birmingham Erdington and former trade union baron, as a father, but if everyone had known about my mom I’d be dead in the water. At least no one has ever heard of Dad, apart from the Daily Mail and the Metropolitan Police’
Chris Worsey commented:
‘Sorry, but I thought this article was supposed to be all about me?’
Anyone who may have been affected by the Lichfield and Burntwood Labour Party selection process can contact http://www.patient.co.uk/health/insomnia-poor-sleep/support . The lines are open from 10pm to 7am.