Burntwood county councillor Jeff Sheriff emerged from the shadows for the fifth time in the space of a week with the remarkable claim that migrants are attracted to UKIP. He said:
‘I woke this morning to find one sitting on my face, dirty stinking foreigner.’
Popular local naturist and badger-hugger Georgia Locock explained :
‘These migrants have travelled hundreds of miles from North Africa and Southern Europe.
‘ The Convolvulus Hawk moth is the largest moth in Europe with an average wingspan of 10cm.’
Promoting this month’s Moth Nights event , Georgia continued:
‘This beautiful palm-sized creature is attracted by the smell of tobacco, beer and wine.’
Local UKIP chairman Peter Cope said:
‘Our members are particularly vulnerable to attack by these foreign migrants. They have evolved an immunity to the natural repulsion of all living creatures to UKIP policies and are attracted to the overwhelming stench of stale beer and tobacco seeping out of our every pore. It’s time David Cameron stood up to them and told them to f**k right back off to where they came from.’
It has been a particular problem for UKIP Pub Landlord John Rackman (92) of the Kings Head. He said:
‘Give me a minute, I’ve just read something about this.
‘These big bastards are all over us, feeding off our beery hair and beards and they just can’t get enough of our alcohol-sodden soft furnishings. My regulars are covered in them.’
Mr Cole added:
‘These are economic migrants and need to go. They are threatening the livelihoods of our indigenous moths, there just aren’t enough dirty old UKIP clothes to go around.
‘And with a proboscis reputedly longer than their own body length these bastards are a threat to our women folk. We all know that our girls are particularly vulnerable to exploitation by anything with an enormous tongue.’
The bat-sized moth has been spotted as far north as the Shetland Islands. Members of the SNP have been alerted.
Anyone who would like to participate in this month’s Butterfly Conservation Society’s Moth Nights recording project is advised to hang out a beer-soaked smoked kipper in their garden after dusk.
Go to www.butterfly-conservation.org for more details.
Disabled Lichfield residents should not be allowed out on the roads, claims Burntwood Labour councillor.
A Burntwood Labour councillor has called for more to be done to enable able-bodied Lichfield residents to drive around the city unimpeded by disabled people and their vehicles.
Cllr Eric Drinkwater (sic) told a recent meeting of Lichfield District Council that authorities needed to do more on the issue.
‘I have every sympathy with law-abiding motorists who are thoroughly sick of the blue badge brigade, parking in the premium spaces then dragging their lifeless limbs onto disability scooters and speeding off into the Three Spires Shopping Centre and terrorising young children and dogs.
Cllr Drinkswater (sic) claims that the blue badge the system is being abused.
‘Most of the blue badge holders aren’t even terminally ill,’ claimed the 79 year-old councillor. ‘Some drivers think that just because they lure their sick old granny out of the nursing home into a car on a Bank Holiday they can park wherever they damn well want. Well they damn well can’t.’
Dimbles stalwart, 43 year-old Bessy Banks (deceased) commented:
‘I’m sick to death of these Conservative councillors pontificating on what us poor disabled people can and can’t do. Me old mum’s been dead these past five years and all we’ve got to remember her by is what she left us in her will – her blue badge, with her dear old laminated face staring up at us from the dashboard of the fully liveried motability Mitsubishi Pajero. Makes me shed a tear it does, every day when we drive that disability car and park up outside B&M to load up on cheap dog food.’
Labour Cllr Drinkspirits responded:
‘I’m not accusing all blue badge holders of abuse, but why don’t they all just go back to Andrews House, curl up and fecking die?
‘When I’m out for an evening with m’lady at the heavily-council-tax-payer-subsidised Garrick Theatre, the last thing I want to see is a procession of cripples wheeling themselves through the Malt Bar to the easily accessible disabled toilets whilst I’m trying to enjoy a pre-show fine dining experience. If they’re not bloody careful I’ll be taking my custom elsewhere, perhaps to the new up market, no disabs-allowed venue that is Pom’s Kitchen & Deli, where I hear the menu is very similar.’
Cllr Drinkspirits’ views also drew a swift response from Conservative Cllr Natasha Pullmeoff
‘As the wife of a severely gingered husband, my family rely on the blue badge system, especially in the summer months – on hot days we’d be completely housebound if I couldn’t drive Doug into the centre of town and decant him directly into darkened recesses of The Angel.
‘I’d hoped that with the introduction of the blue badge all this discrimination and hatred would have been a thing of the past. But no, thanks to Cllr Drinkspirits the historic fascist stigma of the Orange Badge order is still with us today, here today in Lichfield’s ginger community.
‘And no, you can’t have a look at my tattoos.’
Cllr Drinksbeer has denied reports that his remarks may be a prelude to a defection to the Conservative Group, commenting:
‘There is no truth in the rumour that my offensive remarks about disabled residents signals a defection to the socially-anesthetized Conservative group. Since those drunken ramblings were spouted I have seen the rise of a saviour of the Labour Party in the form of Jeremy Corbyn, with whom I bear a striking resemblance, namely being old, unkempt and out of power for a generation.’