Jeff Sheriff

Lichfield UKIP “flying ant day” brings a swarm of press releases from anonymous racially challenged politicians

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A rare day out in the sun
A rare day out in the sun

The unseasonally warm weather and the Jeremy Corbyn effect is being blamed for the sudden appearance of elderly unkempt politicians in the Lichfield area.

Burntwood South has not been represented by County Councillor Jeff Sheriff since 2013. Apart from a brief appearance alongside Pub Landlord Guvnor John (“I’m 70 years-old you know”) Rackham in the 2015 GE campaign, Cllr Sheriff has not been seen in public since his election to the County Council.  Although there are unconfirmed reports that he was once spotted at Sankeys Corner looking confused and asking for directions to Stafford.

Jeremy Corbyn
Jeremy Corbyn

In recent days however the unseasonably warm weather and the ascendancy of Labour Leadership candidate Jeremy Corbyn has seen a sudden reappearance of Cllr Sheriff and his equally visually challenging UKIP colleagues.

Lichfield Green Party has started an online petition calling for Lichfield district to house ten refugee families. Commenting on the unfolding humanitarian crisis in Syria, the UKIP Sheriff commented :

‘These people are foreigners, whole families of foreigners in fact, fleeing persecution and death in their own country, parents risking the lives of themselves and their children to overcome unimaginable challenges, travelling by land and sea across continental Europe in the hope of finding sanctuary within the Wall.

‘The Lichfield Greens are emotionally stupid – ten, yes ten, families they want housing – do they not know the sort of strain that this will place on the local council tax payers? Yes, none, but I don’t bloody well want them here and neither do my mates, sorry UKIP officials, at the Kings Head.

‘Anyone fancy a chinky?’

Peter Cope, Chairman of the local UKIP branch believes public sympathy is misplaced. He said:

‘Ten families of foreigners? Do you know what sort of strain that will place on the local infrastructure of the wealthy district of Lichfield? Yes, that’s right, no strain at all. But I don’t want them here.’

Mr Cope, who has also not been seen in daylight since the General Election, continued:

‘That little drowned foreign boy and his poor brother who no-one much cares about because we didn’t get a photo, they were put in a boat and killed by their father, its as simple as that.

‘Cameron should stop being so weak, stand up to that German bitch Chancellor Merkel and start drowning them himself. The Royal Navy have been acting like a ferry service, well if they want a ferry service send in the Herald of Free Enterprise that’s what I say.

‘I don’t really feel like a chinky tonight Jeff, how about an Indian?’

Pull it love?
Pull it love?

John Rackham (85) has not been seen outside of the Kings Head since the General Election fiasco. Tonight (Tuesday) he is unwittingly playing host to local Leftie group of stone-gazers, Lichfield Discovered. Group leader Kate Gompertz said:

‘As a foreigner myself, I really don’t know what possessed me to arrange a meeting here, giving our hard earned cash to this character to fund his malign causes. And I can tell you, if he starts to falteringly recite the UKIP manifesto policy on immigration the cardigan will be on and I’ll be off.

‘Actually I fancy an Italian, get your coat love, you’ve pulled.’

The Society of Flying Ant Days wishes to disassociate itself from the sudden emergence of the UKIPs.

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Overwhelming public demand forces Lichfield UKIP candidate to agree to a poetry recital

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Lichfield and Burntwood UKIP candidate John Rackham promised local voters a real treat when he announced a series of public readings following his hugely successful appearance at the People InSpired election hustings last Sunday (19 April).

Last orders
Last orders

John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

The city’s favourite barman added:

‘I was delighted that over 300 people packed into the Cathedral to see me and listen to what I had to say. And I can tell you they were stunned into silence by my eloquent reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto.’

The owner of The Kings Head pub in Bird Street can be found manning the UKIP stand in Market Street each Saturday in the run up to the General Election. Accompanied by fellow UKIP members and nightclub bouncers, John hands out leaflets and chats with local white middle-class voters of limited intelligence.

This Saturday (25 April) John will be joining the other parliamentary candidates for a hustings at Speakers’ Corner. John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

He added:

‘Dozens of people have come up to me in the boozer and said “Pint of Pedi please guv’nor” That’s what they call me you know, “The Guv’nor”, like in them gangster movies and Eastenders, ’cause I may be 69-years-old but I’m still fuckin’ ‘ard. And they say to me, “Loved your reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto guv, when can we hear more?”

‘Well there’s much more where that came from I can tell you, join me at the Speakers’ Corner on Saturday.’

At the Cathedral last Sunday John demonstrated his oratory skills as he read segments verbatim from the UKIP manifesto in response to impassioned pleas from the audience for guidance on a wide range of issues. He even threw in an ad-lib in reply to a question on what UKIP would do about climate change. To the delight and amusement of the audience John responded:

‘I’ve just read something about that…oh yes here we are – as you all well know, our position on climate change is “we’ll be keeping an eye on that”.’

After the break in proceedings,during which the congregation were invited to use the toilet facilities in McDonald’s Restaurant, John returned to the stage to apologise for the poor sound quality during the first session. He explained:

‘Apparently I should hold the microphone closer to my mouth, which I find a little bit of an odd suggestion as most of the time I’m talking out of my arse.’

Missing presumed dead
Missing presumed dead

The Kings Head is the oldest pub in Lichfield dating back to 1408 and is the birthplace of The Staffordshire Regiment. In honour of the pub’s military connections John has expressed a wish to expand his public reading repertoire. He explained:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.

‘I plan to find time at the next hustings to give a poetry recital with a military theme.

‘ I had originally considered something by Siegfried Sassoon, but then our UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff pointed out that the guy must be a bloody German, that his middle name was Loraine and that after the War he went on to become a ladies hairdresser. That ticks all the wrong UKIP boxes.

‘So I’ve chosen “Dulce Et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen, he sounds like a good old fashioned  English heterosexual to me, even if his poem does sound a bit French. Here’s a little extract:

“But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,

And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…

Dim, through the misty panes…”

‘Sounds a bit like me on Sunday evening at the Cathedral come to think of it,’  reflected the 69-year-old boozer.

Anyone who wishes to contact Burntwood UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff, who has not been seen in public since his election in 2013, are advised to contact him either at The Kings Head or with the assistance of a medium.

Al Murray was unavailable for comment.