Helen Fisher

“Include more Gingers in Lichfield District Council Cabinet,” says exiled Shadow Council

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Lichfield District Council should have included more gingers in the Cabinet, according to chairman of the Beacon Street  Shadow Council in exile, BSTARD.

The controlling Conservative group added two new posts to the Cabinet at the first meeting of the local authority since the elections.

Doug Pullem
Doug Pullem

The new additions saw Councillor Helen Fisher take on responsibility for booking family holidays and with Councillor Doug Pullen looking after community he is the only openly ginger member of the eight person cabinet.

Cllr Mike Wilcox, leader of Lichfield District Council claimed the additions would enable a more folically diverse type of councillor to emerge.

He said:

‘We have to recognise that in our insular community, where dogs will bark at the unexpected sight of a visiting gypsy at Bower, many gingers can find themselves discriminated against.

‘As a result we are creating two new cabinet positions to enable gingers to put themselves in a position to be considered for a senior role.

‘Doug Pullen is startlingly ginger and Helen Fisher has clearly had bit of ginger in her in the past. Helen’s daughter, newly-

Beth Fisher
Beth Fisher

elected former musical theatre star Councillor Connie Fisher, is a natural ginger.’

But BSTARD chairman Sidney Sprite, 86, said he would like to see even more ginger  diversity. From a dank and mouldy corner of his Beacon Street residence, the bitter and twisted, sunlight averse Newcastle United fan hater commented:

‘Mrs Sprite was a beautiful ginger in her day, but she was never able to come to terms with her colouration. “I’m not ginger Sidney,” she’d plead, “I’m auburn, maybe strawberry blonde in a certain light?”

‘That was before before her hair turned grey, she was only 28. I knew that deep down she blamed me for that; sticking my nose into other people’s business, quoting meaningless statistics, commenting on local issues from a self-constructed ivory tower build on sand but never daring to stand for office myself.

‘”You’re draining the very colour from my life,” she’d say. That was her little joke; she was always joking – a common defensive trait of a ginger. She died shortly afterwards, just to get away from me she’d have said. Jokingly, in her typically defensive ginger way. I miss her. Bitch.’

Councillor Pullen has welcomed his appointment to Cabinet. He said:

‘I welcome my appointment to Cabinet, the whole family is delighted.’

Doug’s wife is none other than fellow councillor Natasha Inez Pullen. The Spanish former lingerie model commented:

natasha pullem‘In my country a flame-headed man is every woman’s dream, engorged with passion and virility, a man who drives a woman to the very edge of sensuality and beyond with his physical prowess.

‘Clearly it’s different over here,’ she sighed.

No stranger to punching above his weight, Doug Pullen said:

‘As a cabinet member with responsibility for “community” I am determined to make a difference. Dog mess is a priority and I will be on the streets supporting Cllr Greatrix with as many black bags as he needs.’

Any ginger who has been disturbed by this article is advised to contact the Very Reverend Philip John @lichfieldLive

Philip John

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Lichfield District Council Election 2015 Results: Fresh Meat

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Having cast out District Council Labour Group leader, Butcher of Burntwood Steve Norman into the political wilderness, the electorate of Lichfield and Burntwood look forward to feasting on the fresh meat of the new cadre of young Tory councillors.

Ben Rayner, Olivia Shepherd and Beth Fisher were all elected to Lichfield District Council as the Tories secured 41 of the 47 available seats in Lichfield and Burntwood.

Ben RaynorBen Rayner secured the vote in Alrewas and Fradley. After checking his hair again in a pocket mirror Ben said:

‘I spend most of my time riding my bike around the village and sometimes popping into the Post Office for sweets on the way home. At weekends in the summer you’ll find me at Alrewas Cricket Club wasting literally days of my life playing the world’s most boring sport.

‘I had felt that something was missing from my life until I met up with our local Member and former circus performer Michael Fabricant. He suggested that I stand for the District Council where he told me I’d be able to waste many more hours than I am doing at the moment.’

Ben’s dad is a former police superintendent and his mum is a nurse. Mum Claire Rayner said:

‘We love him to bits but really do wish he’d get a proper job.’

Olivia Shepherd
Olivia Shepherd

Olivia Shepherd won the seat in Fazeley. Olivia is co-principal of Tamworth stage school Enact Academy.  She has been treading the boards since a young age, and has been involved in many areas of performing arts for most of her life. Olivia is also an award winning script writer and actress, gaining recognition for her comedy character Philomena Cunk who makes regular appearances in Charlie Brooker’s TV Wipe.

Recently married Olivia said:

‘I love dressing up and telling fairy stories to groups of children, so I thought that would make me an ideal Conservative councillor. I really hope to become involved in the fairytale Friarsgate project as soon as possible.’

Beth Fisher, a 19-year-old trainee car mechanic was elected as councillor for Chasetown. She is the daughter of Conservative councillor Helen Fisher. Helen said:

Beth Fisher
Beth Fisher

‘Go away I’m not talking to you. In all this time you showed no interest in me and now my young daughter comes on the scene you’re suddenly interested in my opinions. We you can do one.

Beth apologied say that her mum had have a stressful day at the family business Karl Fisher Autos in Cannock. Beth side:

‘A customer complained that I hadn’t tightened his nuts properly or something and mum just lost it. I think she may have got the wrong end of the stick.’

Before deciding to retrain Beth had a short run of success starring in West End musicals after winning the TV talent contest ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?’. Work dried up shortly afterwards. Beth explained:

‘I became disillusioned with the celebrity lifestyle so decided to come back and work in the family garage. No more of the bright lights for me, apart from headlights of course but I dont get onto them until later in the course.’

Asked how she thought she will cope with the high profile life as a district councillor Beth said;

‘I expect to do really well, I know how to deal with all sorts of old wrecks and the occasional car crash.’

Connie_FisherPhilomena-Cunk

Revelan revelling in residential review

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WCML housing 2

Local planning officers are celebrating another victory over their arch enemies on the  Planning Committee of Lichfield District Council.

Despite planning officers recommendation to grant Revelan Group’s proposals for 77 homes on land off Eastern Avenue, the application was unanimously rejected by the Planning Committee in February.

Revelan appealed and the Planning Inspectorate has now overturned the Council’s decision. Development is now expected to start on site in 2015.

Simon Hawley of planning consultants Harris Lamb, acted on behalf of Revelan, he said:

‘This former industrial site has been vacant since 2007 and despite the Council’s belief that it would be the subject of intense interest from potential business occupiers we have managed to sign-up not a single tenant.

‘Now that we have residential planning we’ll be completing the sale of the site to a national house builder by Christmas.’

Chair of Lichfield District Council’s Planning Committee, local car mechanic Councillor Helen Fisher said:

‘We’re obviously disappointed that the Inspectorate chose to support the professional planning officer’s recommendation to grant consent, but just without the £300,000 contribution to local schools that Revelan would have paid if we had granted the application in the first place.’

The company proposed a mix of detached, semi-detached and terraced housing with an affordable housing provision that is likely to appeal only to railway enthusiasts and those who appreciate natural water features in their living room.

The Council’s rejection of the plan hinged on it’s concern about loss of “employment land” but LDC’s own Employment Land Review had actually revealed the district has an excessive quantity of suitable employment sites. Councillor Fisher commented:

‘Yep, they got us banged to rights with that one. Are they out of time to make an application for costs?’

Dick King, Lichfield District Council’s Strategic Director of Democratic, Development and Legal commented:

‘I’m delighted that I am always right, but you’ll have to excuse me, I need to focus on another round of compulsory redundancies for council staff.’