Dimbles

Friary School parents delighted by proposed parking restrictions on Eastern Avenue

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Staffordshire County Council proposals to set up of a ‘No Waiting At Any Time Restriction’ on Eastern Avenue between Monday-Friday outside The Friary School has been welcomed by many parents.

Lichfield mum Paulette Mycock spent hours over the Christmas period responding positively to the stealth consultation, she said:

‘This is great news, I need to be at work for 9 every morning so time is short, there’ll be no arguing now when I have to drop the little brat off at Morrisons – he’ll just have to walk the rest of the way.’

Other parents don’t think that the restrictions will have any impact on their school run, local dad Peter Parker said:

‘To be honest, when I’m dropping off the kids I slow down to about 20mph (as the sign suggests) and just push them out. No parking, no waiting. They soon got the hang of it, and the odd twisted ankle is always a good excuse to miss games.’

However young mum Brittany Singleton is in Year 12 and is not impressed, she complained:

‘I live many miles away from school in Weston Road, if uncle can’t take me up any closer than Morrisons then I’ll have to walk the rest of the way. It’s a disgrace, I already have to walk there and back from school at lunchtimes for a fag and to gob-off at the pensioners.’

Head of Friary School Matt Allman has written a letter of objection to the County Council, he said:

‘This is a safety issue. We have a large catchment area and many children live up to half a mile away, how can these morbidly obese pupils be expected to walk to school and back every day?

‘Even for the able-bodied kids, many of them will have to cross through the Dimbles area risking exposure to 19th century diseases and abuse from the self-styled mushroom sellers living on the Bromford sink housing estate. It’s shameful.’

Anyone wishing participate in the consultation can find more information Here

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Lichfield District Council demand Cameron-style civic limousine at council tax payers expense

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The future of the £16,000-a-year luxury Jaguar XF chauffeur-driven car used by the chairman of Lichfield District Council was debated at a meeting of the Overlook not Scrutiny committee this week.

Lichfield District Council Chairman's Car
Lichfield District Council Chairman’s Car

Labour group deputy leader-of-four, Councillor Eric Drinkwater said:

‘It’s crazy, it’s obscene.

‘Drink, feck, arse, girls Ted.’

Labour group leader-of-four, Councillor Sue Woodward agreed with the Labour group deputy leader-of- four, she said:

‘All four of us are agreed – whatever the former Labour group leader of more-than-four Steve Norman says, we agree with him. And why not, he thinks I’m as fit as a butcher’s dog. Grrr…

‘We need to look, I say we need to look, at the £50,000-plus a year spent on the civic budget, all the chain gang going dressed up and travelling in chauffeur-driven limousines, having these meals and getting pissed-up with each other – is there any really value?’

A former Lichfield District Council chairman has insisted a chauffeur-driven car is “absolutely essential”. Conservative Councillor David Leytham, who previously wore the chairman’s chains, said:

‘If the chairman is to continue the civic role and continue meeting, greeting and drinking heavily across the county and further afield, my view is that the car is absolutely essential, it’s driven by someone who remains sober and it’s comfortable to sleep in for short periods if necessary. Or overnight.’

Newly elected chairman Councillor Norma Bacon commented:

‘I’ve been looking forward to this for years and just when I’ve made it they’re trying to take away the perks. I’ve been a member of the chain gang for a number of years now, both as Lichfield mayor and bitch of the mayor. But I’ve never had use of the Jaguar XF before.

Conservative Councillor Thomas Marshall said there could be opportunities for a link up with local businesses to provide a suitable vehicle. He said:

‘The chairman’s husband Brian is a cabbie, we could link up with his firm TravelWood of Burntwood  to supply the civic transport. Norma and Brian are joined at the hip anyway and the sight of Brian at the helm of a minivan calling to pick up Norma from the Dimbles would hardly raise an eyebrow.

‘But just imagine the sleek black Jaguar XF cruising through the streets of the downtown Zombie Zone. The XF may be the same make as PM David Cameron’s ministerial car but it’s not armoured, it wouldn’t stand a chance.’

Chairman Bacon concedes:

Norma Bacon tribute act
Norma Bacon tribute act

‘It’s horses for courses really, if I’m going to a civic function then the Jaguar XF is just the ticket.

‘But it’s a bit over the top for my gigs as a Roy”Chubby” Brown tribute act.’

Joe Powell "Crop Protection Specialist"
Joe Powell “Crop Protection Specialist”

Her Tory colleague, self-employed crop protection advisor Councillor Joseph Powell was keen to assure the meeting that chairmen and vice-chairmen were not merely using the vehicle as a perk.

‘It’s important that we make it clear that the car isn’t used for just having drinks and nice meals,’ explained.
‘We use it for lots of very useful meetings with the council, such as visiting homosexual groups. I recommend that we retain the civic transport but make it a little less hard and black and more pink and inviting.’

Joe Powell's vision of Michael Fabricant in the civic vehicle
Joe Powell’s vision of Michael Fabricant in the civic vehicle

Councillor Powell is happily married. Mrs Powell declined to comment.

Anyone who is interested in Councillor Powell’s interests can see them here  http://www.lichfielddc.gov.uk/downloads/file/4331/powell_joe

Bromford Housing threaten to evict tenant for selling home-grown mushrooms

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Home-grown mushrooms
Home-grown mushrooms

Lichfield social landlord Bromford Housing has recently written to one of it’s enterprising tenants threatening her with eviction if she doesn’t stop selling home-grown mushrooms from a stall in her front garden.

Dimbles resident 43 year-old Bessy Banks has lived in the north Lichfield all her life. She said:

‘I got this letter from Bromford and took it to show our Kieran when I visited him in Swinfen. He’s good at reading, being a convicted forger and all that.

‘ “Mom,” he says, “Mom, they’re gonna kick you out the house if you don’t stop selling them bleeding mushrooms!” ‘

Bessy explained:

‘It’s really hard when you’re living in a house that ain’t fit for human consumption.

‘It’s so damp that mould is growing on the walls in every room, it’s even spreading to the furniture. If it takes hold of me fella’s 80in 4k Ultra HD 3D Curved LED TV there’ll be hell to pay, he don’t even live here really, if you know what I mean.’

Mushroom cultivation area
Mushroom cultivation area

 

Not being a woman who is easily beaten Bessy has tried to make the best of her predicament. She told us:

‘So I thought, I’ve got this house that’s covered in mould, mould is a fungus and so are mushrooms! I’ll grow mushrooms and sell ‘em to the neighbours!

‘I’d got all the raw ingredients, all I needed to do was to push the bed in the Bedroom Tax room up against the mouldy damp wall and let nature take its course. The mattress was sprouting with mushrooms in no time.’

Bromford Housing struggle to manage and maintain over 5,000 former council houses in the Lichfield Area.

bromford

Local manager David Ahktar said:

‘I sympathise with Mrs Banks but the tenancy agreement clearly states that the premises cannot be used for any business purposes. With the appalling conditions in these substandard homes we could have a whole new hydroponics industry sprouting up right under our noses if we’re not careful.’

Bromford have been paying lip-service to the complaints of tenants for years but have recently arranged for each complaining whiny tenant’s house to be inspected by a professional surveyor with an undeserved superiority complex.

Martin Sixsmith is one such surveyor, he commented:

‘We recommend that tenants turn up their central heating to the maximum temperature, regardless of the cost; keep open all the windows; never take showers or baths; and refrain from boiling water for any purposes in the kitchen. All furniture should be moved to the centre of the room well away from the walls.

‘If tenants choose to ignore our advice and continue to pursue this anti-social behaviour then they only have themselves to blame for the dreadful conditions in which they live. Scumbag scroungers the lot of them.’

Mr Akhtar of Bromford added :

‘For just £1.79 tenants can buy their very own hygrometer and monitor their ever-increasing despair for themselves. We are also handing out complimentary thermometers to enable them to chart their children’s temperature as they decline towards a chronically sick adulthood.’

Having received nothing but blame from the Landlord, as a very last resort Bessy has turned to local politicians:

Caroline Wood
Caroline Wood

Labour County Councillor, self-employed chiropodist Caroline Wood said that the lives of poor people could be considerably improved if they would only take good care  of their feet. Mrs Wood promised Bessy a voucher for a complimentary chiropody appointment.

 

Liberal Democrat District Councillor Marion Bland said in an email :

‘I’m very sorry to hear of your plight and know only too well what it’s like to be a discriminated minority. By the way, I live just round the corner, could you drop off some mushrooms after dusk one evening?’

Marion Bland
Marion Bland

Hoping to raise the profile of her campaign, Mrs Banks tweeted incumbent member Sir Michael Fabricant and young Labour firebrand Chris Whoishey.

Eventually Sir Fabricant informed Bessy that she must write to him to request an audience:

‘A missive addressed to me at Cathedral Close, written on the finest quality vellum with a quill pen fashioned from a swan’s feather stands the best possible chance of receiving a patronising response,’ he advised.

Mr Whoishey tweeted Bessy offering to breath heavily down the phone to her early one morning:

‘As you may know I have no interest in visiting the Lichfield and my life insurance cover specifically excludes any claim arising from entering the City from the north via Dimbles Bar. Good luck, and if you ever relocate to Sandwell please vote for me in the next Election 2020 which I plan to take seriously.’

Bessy has vowed to continue selling her mushroom but all parties are looking to the future and considering their options.

Bessy's options
Bessy’s options
Bromford's options
Bromford’s options

You can follow Bessy’s ongoing campaign here  bessybanksgrave.wordpress.com