David Cameron

Lichfield UKIP “flying ant day” brings a swarm of press releases from anonymous racially challenged politicians

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A rare day out in the sun
A rare day out in the sun

The unseasonally warm weather and the Jeremy Corbyn effect is being blamed for the sudden appearance of elderly unkempt politicians in the Lichfield area.

Burntwood South has not been represented by County Councillor Jeff Sheriff since 2013. Apart from a brief appearance alongside Pub Landlord Guvnor John (“I’m 70 years-old you know”) Rackham in the 2015 GE campaign, Cllr Sheriff has not been seen in public since his election to the County Council.  Although there are unconfirmed reports that he was once spotted at Sankeys Corner looking confused and asking for directions to Stafford.

Jeremy Corbyn
Jeremy Corbyn

In recent days however the unseasonably warm weather and the ascendancy of Labour Leadership candidate Jeremy Corbyn has seen a sudden reappearance of Cllr Sheriff and his equally visually challenging UKIP colleagues.

Lichfield Green Party has started an online petition calling for Lichfield district to house ten refugee families. Commenting on the unfolding humanitarian crisis in Syria, the UKIP Sheriff commented :

‘These people are foreigners, whole families of foreigners in fact, fleeing persecution and death in their own country, parents risking the lives of themselves and their children to overcome unimaginable challenges, travelling by land and sea across continental Europe in the hope of finding sanctuary within the Wall.

‘The Lichfield Greens are emotionally stupid – ten, yes ten, families they want housing – do they not know the sort of strain that this will place on the local council tax payers? Yes, none, but I don’t bloody well want them here and neither do my mates, sorry UKIP officials, at the Kings Head.

‘Anyone fancy a chinky?’

Peter Cope, Chairman of the local UKIP branch believes public sympathy is misplaced. He said:

‘Ten families of foreigners? Do you know what sort of strain that will place on the local infrastructure of the wealthy district of Lichfield? Yes, that’s right, no strain at all. But I don’t want them here.’

Mr Cope, who has also not been seen in daylight since the General Election, continued:

‘That little drowned foreign boy and his poor brother who no-one much cares about because we didn’t get a photo, they were put in a boat and killed by their father, its as simple as that.

‘Cameron should stop being so weak, stand up to that German bitch Chancellor Merkel and start drowning them himself. The Royal Navy have been acting like a ferry service, well if they want a ferry service send in the Herald of Free Enterprise that’s what I say.

‘I don’t really feel like a chinky tonight Jeff, how about an Indian?’

Pull it love?
Pull it love?

John Rackham (85) has not been seen outside of the Kings Head since the General Election fiasco. Tonight (Tuesday) he is unwittingly playing host to local Leftie group of stone-gazers, Lichfield Discovered. Group leader Kate Gompertz said:

‘As a foreigner myself, I really don’t know what possessed me to arrange a meeting here, giving our hard earned cash to this character to fund his malign causes. And I can tell you, if he starts to falteringly recite the UKIP manifesto policy on immigration the cardigan will be on and I’ll be off.

‘Actually I fancy an Italian, get your coat love, you’ve pulled.’

The Society of Flying Ant Days wishes to disassociate itself from the sudden emergence of the UKIPs.

Lichfield District Council demand Cameron-style civic limousine at council tax payers expense

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The future of the £16,000-a-year luxury Jaguar XF chauffeur-driven car used by the chairman of Lichfield District Council was debated at a meeting of the Overlook not Scrutiny committee this week.

Lichfield District Council Chairman's Car
Lichfield District Council Chairman’s Car

Labour group deputy leader-of-four, Councillor Eric Drinkwater said:

‘It’s crazy, it’s obscene.

‘Drink, feck, arse, girls Ted.’

Labour group leader-of-four, Councillor Sue Woodward agreed with the Labour group deputy leader-of- four, she said:

‘All four of us are agreed – whatever the former Labour group leader of more-than-four Steve Norman says, we agree with him. And why not, he thinks I’m as fit as a butcher’s dog. Grrr…

‘We need to look, I say we need to look, at the £50,000-plus a year spent on the civic budget, all the chain gang going dressed up and travelling in chauffeur-driven limousines, having these meals and getting pissed-up with each other – is there any really value?’

A former Lichfield District Council chairman has insisted a chauffeur-driven car is “absolutely essential”. Conservative Councillor David Leytham, who previously wore the chairman’s chains, said:

‘If the chairman is to continue the civic role and continue meeting, greeting and drinking heavily across the county and further afield, my view is that the car is absolutely essential, it’s driven by someone who remains sober and it’s comfortable to sleep in for short periods if necessary. Or overnight.’

Newly elected chairman Councillor Norma Bacon commented:

‘I’ve been looking forward to this for years and just when I’ve made it they’re trying to take away the perks. I’ve been a member of the chain gang for a number of years now, both as Lichfield mayor and bitch of the mayor. But I’ve never had use of the Jaguar XF before.

Conservative Councillor Thomas Marshall said there could be opportunities for a link up with local businesses to provide a suitable vehicle. He said:

‘The chairman’s husband Brian is a cabbie, we could link up with his firm TravelWood of Burntwood  to supply the civic transport. Norma and Brian are joined at the hip anyway and the sight of Brian at the helm of a minivan calling to pick up Norma from the Dimbles would hardly raise an eyebrow.

‘But just imagine the sleek black Jaguar XF cruising through the streets of the downtown Zombie Zone. The XF may be the same make as PM David Cameron’s ministerial car but it’s not armoured, it wouldn’t stand a chance.’

Chairman Bacon concedes:

Norma Bacon tribute act
Norma Bacon tribute act

‘It’s horses for courses really, if I’m going to a civic function then the Jaguar XF is just the ticket.

‘But it’s a bit over the top for my gigs as a Roy”Chubby” Brown tribute act.’

Joe Powell "Crop Protection Specialist"
Joe Powell “Crop Protection Specialist”

Her Tory colleague, self-employed crop protection advisor Councillor Joseph Powell was keen to assure the meeting that chairmen and vice-chairmen were not merely using the vehicle as a perk.

‘It’s important that we make it clear that the car isn’t used for just having drinks and nice meals,’ explained.
‘We use it for lots of very useful meetings with the council, such as visiting homosexual groups. I recommend that we retain the civic transport but make it a little less hard and black and more pink and inviting.’

Joe Powell's vision of Michael Fabricant in the civic vehicle
Joe Powell’s vision of Michael Fabricant in the civic vehicle

Councillor Powell is happily married. Mrs Powell declined to comment.

Anyone who is interested in Councillor Powell’s interests can see them here  http://www.lichfielddc.gov.uk/downloads/file/4331/powell_joe

Transcript released of Lichfield MP’s call to PM declining Cabinet post

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Lichfield and Burntwood MP Michael Fabricant made it abundantly clear to Prime Minister David Cameron that he did not want to be considered for a government job.

The full transcript of the telephone conversation has now been released. 

MF to No.10 Switchboard operator 

MF: Hi, could you put me through to Dave immediately please

SO: Dave who?

MF: The PM you foolish girl

SO: Who’s calling

MF: Mike Fabricant

SO: I’m sorry…

MF: It is I, Sir Michael Fabricant 

SO: No, I mean I’m sorry I’ve instructions not to take any calls from Michael Fabricant 

MF: (aside to Andy) The PM must be on the line to Obama. 

Well one of his senior officials then my dear.

SO: I’m sorry…

MF: I said, can you put me through to one of the PM’s senior officials.

SO: No, I mean I’m sorry, I’ve instructions not to put Michael Fabricant through to anyone at all.

MF: Well, please get Mr Cameron to call me back when he’s finished with The President.

SO: No

MF: It’s imperative that I get a message to him before he finalises his new cabinet. Could you please impress upon him, in no uncertain terms, that it is, with the deepest regret, that I have to decline the generous offer of a senior cabinet post.

Click, burr…….

MF: (smiling in Andy’s direction) Yes that’s correct, “with the deepest regret”.

MF: (to self) She deserves a punch to the throat that one.