Daily Mail

Lichfield police officer to be disciplined for interacting with the public

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A Lichfield warranted police officer is facing disciplinary action after being seen walking around town on a Saturday afternoon chatting to local residents and assisting tourists. PC Paul Mycock has been with Staffordshire Police for over 20 years, he said:

‘I am stationed at the new Lichfield base on Eastern Avenue and spend most of my day investigating complaints from people who have been offended by social media posts or arranging for police vehicles to be reliveried for LGBT Pride parades.

‘Last week was a little slow as most complaints related to Boris Johnson and letterboxes, well that’s well above my pay grade.

‘It was a lovely day so I accompanied a colleague out on patrol, she had been ordered to drive around town in circles to give the impression of a strong police presence in the City. She had to alternate her hair style and wear a Michael Fabricant wig on each circuit to complete the illusion .

‘Feeling a little nostalgic I decided to take a walk around town on my old beat, catching up with locals and shopkeepers. Tourists were asking for selfies, assuming that I was part of the deluded local history group that dresses up in period costume.

‘A couple of days later I was called into the Inspector’s climate controlled office and informed that I was to be suspended for behaviour likely to bring the Force into disrepute.’

Staffordshire Police graduate entrant Inspector Bieber, 21, commented:

‘I can’t comment as this is an ongoing enquiry, but what I will say is that such behaviour, interacting directly with the public and addressing their day to day concerns is not what we are here to do and frankly makes the rest of us look bad.’

It is unclear who made the complaint but PC Mycock has his suspicions, he said

‘I have my suspicions. There are certain groups of vigilantes patrolling our streets and parks impersonating police officers.

‘As if the Speed Watch group aren’t irritating enough, we now have the self-styled Lichfield BID Officer Support (LIBIDOS) patrolling the town in para-police officer uniforms chatting to people and helping tourists.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I commend their aims but just like with Catholic priests, scout leaders and swimming coaches, you really do have to wonder about them don’t you?’’

PC Mycock is now planning to take early retirement and hopes to spend his nights with the shadowy vigilante group Lichfield Late Night Listeners.

Anyone who has been touched inappropriately by a vigilante is advised to contact the Daily Mail.

Stephen Sutton Christmas tree desecrated by the Daily Mail (and the Express & Star stringer)

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Furious London based desk jockey journalists on the Daily Mail have slammed a group of Burntwood yobs who, the Mail claim, have vandalised a Christmas tree dedicated to teen cancer hero Stephen Sutton.

Hundreds of yellow ribbons had been tied to The Sacred Tree which was erected in the late teenager’s town of Burntwood, Staffordshire last weekend.

But just days after his proud mother Jane switched on the lights in front of hundreds of supporters, the winter weather combined with poor tethering techniques caused half a dozen  ribbons to be torn mercilessly from the branches of The Sacred Tree.

In response to the Daily Mail’s orchestrated outrage organisers say they may now be forced to erect giant fences around the tree to prevent future attacks by feral youths who had nothing whatsoever to do with the incident and have nothing but respect for the late teen hero .

The yellow ribbons became a nationwide symbol of Stephen’s battle with cancer as he raised £5m for the Teenage Cancer Trust before his death in May. He touched people across the world when a bucket list containing the 46 things he hoped to do before his death went viral.

Stephen died in May aged just 19 after losing his fight with the disease.

His mother, 50, collected her son’s posthumous MBE from the Queen last month.

Family friend and self-publicist Joanne Jarvis, who organised the tree ribbon tribute, said she had been contacted by the Daily Mail and had been left either ‘gutted’ or ‘gob-smacked’ by the incident.

She said:

‘I am absolutely ‘gutted’ and/or ‘gob-smacked’. I have been in tears, how can the local climate be so disrespectful.’

‘Following their in depth London desk based investigative journalism, the Daily Mail told us that it was definately the local, probably Eastern European immigrant, yobs who were responsible. But we now know for certain they were pulled off by the wind, although admittedly the batter mix at Sankey’s Fish Bar may be implicated.

‘I am just disgusted, as I’m sure all Daily Mail feeders will be.’

Ironically Mrs Jarvis came up with the scheme to decorate the tree in yellow bows after noticing that those put up during Stephen’s fight around the town had begun to weather.

Now fellow residents are calling for the culprit to be punished.

Jeremy French, 45, a welder who lives nearby, said:

‘It’s disgusting, there is no way you would imagine something like this should happen. Fucking wind and rain in Burntwood in December, the police need to get looking at CCTV and find these areas of low pressure and punish them as soon as possible.’

Anne Timber, 67, added:

‘You just wonder about some people these days, they can barely read around here but they’re buying the Daily Mail and believing every picture they see. I hope they get what is coming to them. If local residents found out who did this I there would be hell to pay, Stephen was such a shining light for our community I can’t help but think his shining light has contributed to global climate change that resulted in the climatic turbulence that tore five ribbons from The Sacred Tree.’

Burntwood Town Council officer Brian Cooper said it wasn’t the first time the town’s Christmas tree had been targeted by the weather.

He said:

‘In previous years the winter weather has pushed the tree around but we sincerely hoped that with this year, being dedicated to Stephen Sutton, the Winter Gods of Burntwood wouldn’t do it.

‘However, they have knocked a handful of bows off, which we have reattached.’We hope this will be the end of it. But if it does happen again we will not have much choice but to pick them up and reattach them to the sacred tree.’

Local yobs deny any involvement in the desecration. Lead yob DJ Yobbi Yobster commented:

‘Respect to Stephen Sutton, right, he was a real cool dude and sure welcome to join the posse down on Redwood Wildlife Park nights whenever man. Mind out for all the dog shit and human excrement though, know what I’m sayin?

‘Not sure I do, but we’re good guys just looking for a chance to shine. Please…’

Staffordshire Police confirmed they were investigating and that super arch villain, former BBC weatherman  Michael Fish has been arrested and released on police bail pending further enquiries.

The Daily Mail was unavailable for comment as Kim Kardashian has got her arse out again. But not in Burntwood.

Local MP Michael Fabricant was unavailable for comment, safely within the Wall, in Waitrose, so to speak.

burntwood tree

‘Punished for being too sexy’ claims Lichfield mum

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Debenhams, Boots and other retailers in Lichfield have suffered a sudden downturn in sales following the revelation that “attractive” people are being randomly persecuted and punished.

Debenhams manager Mike Taylor commented:

‘Sales are down across the store from cosmetics and fragrances through to women’s clothing and accessories. This is a very worrying development. We are emerging from the recession and were planning to stock more than one of each item from our very limited range. This has really knocked us for six.’

Troubles began soon after an article appeared in a national newspaper in which local thief Michaela Hutchings claimed she had been treated unfairly and made an example of because of her stunning good looks.

Ms Hutchings, known to her friends as Nicky, pleaded guilty to dishonestly retaining a wrongly credited bank transfer when she appeared at Stafford Crown Court in April. Last year Lichfield District Council accidentally transferred £51,821.34 into her account instead of it going to a housing association. Hutchings said she discovered the money while withdrawing cash on a trip to buy milk. When she quizzed her bank over the sum, they couldn’t tell her where it had come from.

‘I blame the Bank,’ said Ms Hutchings,’if they’d told me that it had come from the Council I would never have touched it. But they didn’t and to be honest, so to speak, it’s all their fault.

‘I thought, well maybe I’ve been talent-spotted by a modelling agency because I’m so drop-dead gorgeous and this is just an advance on my fee or something.

‘I told my ex-boyfriend and he said “Keep it bitch, a stunner like you deserves a treat, let’s go to the Bullring.” And, well that made sense to me, firstly because shopping in Lichfield is crap and secondly because I’m stupid. Anyway to be honest, so to speak, I blame my ex-boyfriend, it’s all his fault.’

The pair went to Selfridges where they bought thousands of pounds worth of designer clothes, shoes, belts and sunglasses.The next day she treated herself to a Gucci bag, a Louis Vuitton bag and belt and Dior sunglasses, spending £8,000 on shopping in just two days.

‘I also gave my mom £1,000 to get her off my back, fucking moaning all the time about my good-for-nothing boyfriend,’ she continued.

’To be honest, so to speak, I blame my mom, it’s all her fault.’

She pleaded guilty at Stafford Crown Court and was ordered to pay £52, 465.21 by Christmas Eve or go to prison.
‘If I wasn’t so ball-tighteningly beautiful I reckon I’d have got a slap on the wrist and just paid back a fiver a week,’ she said.

‘I pleaded guilty, but the only person guilty is the person who put the money in my account, Councillor Spruce of Lichfield District Council. I don’t think I should have been punished the way I was. It’s just outrageous.To be honest, so to speak, I blame the Council.’

Local shopper Chantelle Poutney, 19, commented:

‘I’ve stopped using make-up and started wearing old clothes from Oxfam. It’s not worth the risk being attractive in this City at the moment.’

Anyone who is ugly and would like some free money is advised to contact Councillor Spruce. He said:

‘This has all been very embarrassing, but I’m pleased to report that I was able to come down hard on the young temptress. But to be honest, so to speak, I blame the “contractor”.’

South Staffs College removes Savile portrait and hands over curatorship to Daily Mail

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South Staffordshire College has confirmed today that artistic control of the Art & Design course is to be taken over by the editor of the Daily Mail.


The removal from a Lichfield campus exhibition of a controversial portrait of Jimmy Savile, dressed as a knight in shining armour, follows an uproar caused by an article in the Daily Mail earlier this week.


At first resisting the pressure to remove the picture, explaining that it was an ‘ironic’ take on the paedophile and his BBC institutional protectors, the College later capitulated.


College principal Graham Morley explained: “We had no alternative but to bow to the wisdom and moral outrage of the Daily Mail readership and to the artistic criticism levelled at the exhibit by our cleaning lady. Concerns had also been raised by a canteen assistant who refused to even view the work.”


The cleaner, Hannah Mattison, is amazed at the response: “I first saw it when I was cleaning an art room, I mentioned it to a friend and before I knew where I was I appeared to have given a rather articulate quote to the Mail.”


“They’ve even offered me a spread in Saturday’s edition sporting some Kelly Brook underwear,” the 24 year old added.


The offending portrait has now been returned to the unnamed artist who commented: ”I’m looking forward to an expensive foreign holiday some time soon.”


As to the future Mr Morley explained:

“Although the Daily Mail will advise on future exhibitions I can guarantee that this will not impact upon the artistic integrity of the College.”


The next exhibition, due in the New Year, will go ahead as planned and is entitled “Politicians and Families”. Labour leader Ed Miliband and his late father Ralph will feature.

Ed Miliband and late father Ralph
Ed Miliband and late father Ralph