Chris Spruce

“Christmas is cancelled” declares Lichfield Round Table militants

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kidnapped
Kidnap victim

Lichfield Round Table militant faction, the self-styled District 250, has declared that Christmas is cancelled this year.

Talks between the group and Lichfield District Council to agree this year’s “funding” settlement broke down yesterday (Saturday).

District 250, a dissident band of ultra-right wing egos with relationship issues and an interest in go-karting and archery, has cancelled today’s planned Lichfield Christmas Lights switch on. Spokesman for D250, Dick, his real name, said:

‘We regret that due to the intransigence of the Council we had no alternative but to cancel the Christmas Lights switch on. Our annual running costs have escalated and they will no longer be covered by parading Santa through the streets of Lichfield demanding cash from the poor and feeble-minded.’

It became clear in 2014  that Santa Claus had been kidnapped by the Round Table militants and forced to fund raise for the group each December.

Dick explained:

‘It’s a very expensive time for us, we’ve recently returned from Portugal after a week’s golfing holiday and there are many more foreign jollies in the pipeline that need paying for by the local public. That doesn’t come cheap you know.’

District 250
District 250 Christmas plot hatched abroad

Cllr Christmas Spruce, Cabinet Member for Finance, explained the Council’s position:

spruce
Cllr Spruce

‘As part of the Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Foreseeable) financial strategy we have had to scale back support for local dissident groups. Discussions with some of these groups have become quite heated. A more disagreeable bunch you’re unlikely to encounter, but after Beacon Community Church this District 250 group come a close second.

‘We tried our best to negotiate a settlement to secure Christmas for another year, we even offered up Michael Fabricant in a hostage exchange for Santa, but they were having none of it. Can’t blame them on that score to be fair.’

hostage exchange
Hostage exchange rejected

Dick denied that they were behaving unreasonably:

‘Why would we exchange Santa for Fabricant? It may not be much but at least Santa bothers to get out to meet the community once a year.’

Further talks are expected to take place next week in a final bid to save Christmas.

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‘Punished for being too sexy’ claims Lichfield mum

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Debenhams, Boots and other retailers in Lichfield have suffered a sudden downturn in sales following the revelation that “attractive” people are being randomly persecuted and punished.

Debenhams manager Mike Taylor commented:

‘Sales are down across the store from cosmetics and fragrances through to women’s clothing and accessories. This is a very worrying development. We are emerging from the recession and were planning to stock more than one of each item from our very limited range. This has really knocked us for six.’

Troubles began soon after an article appeared in a national newspaper in which local thief Michaela Hutchings claimed she had been treated unfairly and made an example of because of her stunning good looks.

Ms Hutchings, known to her friends as Nicky, pleaded guilty to dishonestly retaining a wrongly credited bank transfer when she appeared at Stafford Crown Court in April. Last year Lichfield District Council accidentally transferred £51,821.34 into her account instead of it going to a housing association. Hutchings said she discovered the money while withdrawing cash on a trip to buy milk. When she quizzed her bank over the sum, they couldn’t tell her where it had come from.

‘I blame the Bank,’ said Ms Hutchings,’if they’d told me that it had come from the Council I would never have touched it. But they didn’t and to be honest, so to speak, it’s all their fault.

‘I thought, well maybe I’ve been talent-spotted by a modelling agency because I’m so drop-dead gorgeous and this is just an advance on my fee or something.

‘I told my ex-boyfriend and he said “Keep it bitch, a stunner like you deserves a treat, let’s go to the Bullring.” And, well that made sense to me, firstly because shopping in Lichfield is crap and secondly because I’m stupid. Anyway to be honest, so to speak, I blame my ex-boyfriend, it’s all his fault.’

The pair went to Selfridges where they bought thousands of pounds worth of designer clothes, shoes, belts and sunglasses.The next day she treated herself to a Gucci bag, a Louis Vuitton bag and belt and Dior sunglasses, spending £8,000 on shopping in just two days.

‘I also gave my mom £1,000 to get her off my back, fucking moaning all the time about my good-for-nothing boyfriend,’ she continued.

’To be honest, so to speak, I blame my mom, it’s all her fault.’

She pleaded guilty at Stafford Crown Court and was ordered to pay £52, 465.21 by Christmas Eve or go to prison.
‘If I wasn’t so ball-tighteningly beautiful I reckon I’d have got a slap on the wrist and just paid back a fiver a week,’ she said.

‘I pleaded guilty, but the only person guilty is the person who put the money in my account, Councillor Spruce of Lichfield District Council. I don’t think I should have been punished the way I was. It’s just outrageous.To be honest, so to speak, I blame the Council.’

Local shopper Chantelle Poutney, 19, commented:

‘I’ve stopped using make-up and started wearing old clothes from Oxfam. It’s not worth the risk being attractive in this City at the moment.’

Anyone who is ugly and would like some free money is advised to contact Councillor Spruce. He said:

‘This has all been very embarrassing, but I’m pleased to report that I was able to come down hard on the young temptress. But to be honest, so to speak, I blame the “contractor”.’