Following the recent resignation of Marion Bland as local district councillor, Paul Ray of Chadsmead Liberal Democrats has declared his intention to stand in the forthcoming by-elections to Lichfield District and Lichfield City Councils.
As a banking lawyer with Midland law firm Browne Jacobson, Mr Ray has successfully blended two of the most derided professions into one career. A serial electoral loser Mr Ray commented:
‘I have worked closely with Marion, helping and advising her for many years – I’m pleased to say that she eventually took the hint and resigned. For the record I’d like to praise Marion for all the hard work that she has put in over the years and to personally thank her for keeping the seat warm – a job she is admirably equipped to do.’
Tributes have poured in from across the political spectrum. Labour group leader Sue Norman said:
‘I’d like to thank Marion for her valuable contributions to Council meetings. Yes, I’d like to, but..’
A local authority officer commented:
‘Marion can be quite a formidable lady, especially when drinking pints and wearing lederhosen.’
Mrs Bland spoke of her resignation, she said:
‘I’m resigned to the piss poor prospects for the LibDems nationally and locally, it makes me sick so I’m off. In the circumstances Paul Ray is the ideal candidate to enhance my reputation, folks will look back and say, you know she wasn’t that bad in comparison.
‘Paul upholds many traditional LibDem values, particularly the ability to lose elections. He lost to me in 2012 and again 2015 when he simultaneously lost the Parliamentary election, quite a track record even for a LibDem.’
Paul Ray has never lived in Chadsmead for over 14 years, he is married with children. Paul’s wife Xena Ray is his strongest supporter, she commented:
‘This is great news for Poor, I’m pleased Marion eventually saw sense. His work out in the badlands takes him away most evenings and weekends, we hardly ever see him – it’s great. He hasn’t even realised that we’ve moved out yet.’
As the 2015 General Election campaign gets into it’s stride Lichfield’s Green Party candidate Robert Pass declares that when he is elected as MP Lichfield will become the UK’s first independent Amish community.
Rob will contest the seat currently held by Michael Fabricant on May 7. He grew up in Whittington and attended school in Lichfield before studying Old Chinese Proverbs at Birmingham University. He has also been an environmental campaigner with Birmingham Friends of the Earth and works in the family rag-and-bone company, “Where There’s Muck There’s Money” Limited based in Birmingham.
‘Admittedly I’ve never travelled very far from home in my life, but then a pony and trap has a very limited range.’
The Green Party’s local spokesperson is Whittington based Simon Partridge. The self-styled “Elegant Vintage Vocalist” and lounge lizard crooned:
‘There may be trouble ahead, but while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, we couldn’t have hoped for a better candidate than Robert to represent the Green Party. And dance.’
The Green’s launch party was held at Burntwood Rugby Club where the campaign’s incoherent national policy was explained to an uninterested audience. Attracted to the event by the warmth of the venue on a freezing-cold Sunday afternoon and with the promise of free lentil soup and herbal tea, the five locals were left bemused by the Green Party policy pledges (many of which are true) including:
- Handouts of £250 billion to enable people to “choose whether or not to bother going to work.”
- Basic maths and economics – banned as irrelevant
- Inheritance tax – 100%
- Cars – banned
- Foreign holidays – banned
- Imports – banned
- The sex industry- compulsory.
- Prisons closed and inmates released to work on the land and paint barns doors.
- Independent schools – banned.
- Religious instruction – banned.
- Basket weaving,ploughing and tree-whispering will become core subjects.
- Wispy beards compulsory for all, including womenfolk
- Advertising – banned.
- International sporting fixtures – banned.
- New airports – banned.
- New homes and businesses to provide stables for horses.
- Helicopters – banned.
- Abortion liberalised to allow doctor’s receptionists to carry out the procedure
- Breastfeeding in public – compulsory
- Membership of a terrorist groups – discretionary
- As the standing Armed services are “unnecessary”, bases will be turned into nature reserves and the arms industry “converted” to produce wind turbines.
- The monarchy will be abolished and the Queen will become a tenant of Bromford Housing
During the eight hour launch party Mr Partridge glided amongst the gatherers to give wonderful renditions of timeless Green Party classics such as Pennies From Heaven, Call Me Irresponsible and Anything Goes . Rob was delighted and commented:
‘A big thanks to Lloyd the Bartender, this style of music has always appealed to the Greens – the Big Banned Sound.’
Speaking later from his home in the Tree-house at the bottom of his parents’ garden, Rob said:
‘The Green Party offers a truly bonkers alternative to real world politics. I’m proud to stand as Green Party candidate in my home city and pledge to fight for an economy that functions in the interests of the common good, for a society that is fair and democratic…’
‘…and a planet that is habitable for future generations Rob,’ prompted the Tree, quietly but with a hint of menace.
Anyone wishing to send their loved ones off in style can contact Simon for a funeral wake package at www.simonpartridge.com
The candidates standing in the Lichfield constituency in May are:
- Andy Bennetts – EDL Splinter Left Drunk Faction Party
- Michael Fabricant – Whigs
- Robert Pass – Amish
- John Rackham – Pub Landlord FUKP
- Paul Ray – Sepia Jacobson Bored Lawyer Party
- Chris Worsey – Labour (Sandwell) 2020 Party
The Class War Party has announced the selection of local anarchist Andy Bennetts as it’s parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood in the 2015 General Election.
Class War, a UK class-struggle based group founded in 1983 by Ian Bonehead, became a registered political party in 2014.
Local water-gypsy and part-time comedian Andy said:
‘Class War puts working class politics at the heart of everything that it does, which means it is angry and fucking sweary just like all the great unwashed stereotypical working class that we claim to represent. They’re all at it, those stereotypical working class guys, boozing away the weekend on Carlsberg Special Brew, shagging ugly drunk birds and telling the Filth to “just fuck off out of my face”.’
Speaking at his launch event through a megaphone to group of five Tennents Super connoisseurs Andy compares the general election to a “‘periodic circus”.
‘Lichfield’s MP on May 8 will be Michael Fabricunt, he could go on fucking holiday today to his country mansion and leave his wig to fight the campaign and still win.’
Speaking from his North Wales country retreat Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I take nothing for granted. I stand on my record. Is it over yet?’
Mr Bennetts continued:
‘We’re having more of a pantomime than an election. Chris Whoishey is busy trying to make a good impression on the Labour party in the hope of being selected to fight a winnable seat in Sandwell in the future. Robert Passable (Green Amish Party), Paul Ray (Browne Nose Party) and the Pub Landlord (UKIP) are all trying to raise their profile locally in the hope of some success in local council elections.
‘This election is a lot of old fucking bollocks.’
When not on his canal boat swearing at passers-by and barking at dogs Andy works at Sabcat a Pelsall based Antichrist Workers Co-operative that sources ethically produced fair wear, organic, low-carbon T-shirts and then prints foul language and offensive images onto them for money.
Anyone who would like to learn more about the Provisional wing of the Labour Party can go to https://www.facebook.com/LichfieldClassWar
Anyone who would like to follow Andy’s antics in BBC TV’s House of Fools can go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5x79f1JLL4zYKZpcFKDjvYh/q-a-with-vic-and-bob
A Lichfield-based solicitor admits that his successful application to become Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidate in the May 2015 General Election is probably due to a “midlife crisis”.
Paul Ray recently won the nomination and follows in the footsteps of the local party’s previous failure, Ian Jackson, who, at the height of Lib Dem popularity in 2010, fell 7,000 votes short of ousting Conservative incumbent Michael Fabricant.
Local party chair, Jenny Pinkett said today:
‘We in the Liberal Democrat party have an honourable tradition of failure in both national and local elections and we are delighted that Paul will be fighting hard to secure a right good roasting in May.’
Mr Ray has a successful track record of failure having previously been beaten in District Council elections by Keeper of the District’s Purse Chris “Butter Fingers” Spruce. Paul commented:
‘As a happily married father of three with a successful career as a banking and finance partner in national law firm Browne Jacobson, I decided that it was time for a midlife crisis. But what was I to do to bring about my own destruction? Leave the wife for my attractive young assistant, buy a motorbike, take up rambling or cycling perhaps? No, I needed a challenge that only certain defeat can bring, so I joined the Liberal Democrats.’
Mrs Pinkett continued:
‘Paul Ray impressed tremendously and won the hearts of all local party members at the selection meeting in my kitchen last week.’
Paul has lived in Lichfield for 14 years having previously been manager of the fresh fish counter at Tesco. He declared:
‘The Lib Dems have a great story to tell and like all great stories it’s largely fiction. In government we have been responsible for buttressing the Conservative’s relentless attack on the poor, the ill, the disabled and the under-privileged. And don’t even get me started on tuition fees. We are very proud that 20% of the Lichfield electorate voted for us in the last election and can only apologise for the embarrassment that this has caused them over the last five years.’
Paul’s wife, Gemma Ray remains stoic, she said:
‘Things have gradually got worse for us over the years, first of all Paul became a lawyer, then he announced that he had secured Royal Bank of Scotland as a client and now he’s a Lib Dem. The shame of it all and not a thought for what it’ll do to the kids.
‘But I’m looking forward to 7 May when it’ll all be well and truly over. I’ve booked a nice family camping holiday in the Peak District, I’d have liked to go abroad but what with Paul losing his £500 deposit and his job I didn’t think we could afford it this year.’