Following Scotland Yard revelations that moped-based thieves are being deliberately rammed by police vehicles, Lichfield’s de facto police force, BID Beacon Street Runners, confirm that they are piloting plans to throw drunks into oncoming traffic outside The Brewhouse pub on Friday nights.
Steve Sargent is a volunteer badge seller in the city’s British Heart Foundation outlet during the week but at the weekend is a senior BIDBSR officer he said:
‘We have been very interested in the Met’s summary justice initiative. One of my colleagues is quite good at reading and has researched the background and success rate of the use of lethal force to combat mobile phone and handbag theft.
‘He reports that the tactic has had a big impact, especially if you can get them to bounce off the bonnet and roll under the front wheels of the squad car in front of a dashcam..
The vigilante force hopes that its new fully liveried look-alike police vehicle will be on the road early in the new year. Sergeant Sargent explained:
‘My driving test is booked for 23 January and I’m confident that I will pass, I’ve had plenty of driving experience as this will be my tenth attempt. If all goes well I expect to be driving over perps on Beacon Street well before Easter.’
Lichfield BID Chairman Paul “Mad Dog” Maddox is a former real police officer and sometime publican at Lichfield’s fine dining and drinking emporium The Scales. He often dons a police costume after kicking-out time to give moral support to the BIDBSR team.
‘Typically, I spend Saturday evening getting the local low life pissed and fighty. We encourage the passing trade to come into the bar so that the lads can ply them with drink in the hope of a shag. But I tell you, if the lads aren’t knuckle deep in filth by midnight they start getting a bit feisty so, provided that they’re all spent up, we kick’em out onto the street.
‘And that’s when the trouble starts. I leave the bar, change into my BIDBSR police costume and and join my colleagues on patrol in the city streets. Not all heros have a mask and a cape, but we do all have police replica hi-viz jackets and walkie-talkies.
‘I have a talent, almost a sixth sense, for spotting drunks that have been pouring their kids child support into my tills all night. This city deserves better than this, we need to rid our streets of this scum after closing time (04:00 at weekends). Especially if they’re from Brownhills. That’s why I am supporting this new MPS vigilante initiative.
‘I swear to God, during the festive season any drunks that BIDBSR arrest will be dragged out of town and thrown under the wheels of the nearest white cab being driven by those guys from Wolverhampton.’
Lichfield Late Night Listeners will be providing sweet tea and support for any injured drunks awaiting an ambulance.
The leader of Lichfield District Council, Cllr Mike Wilcox has confirmed that Friarsgate developer U+I has submitted new plans for the long-awaited city centre scheme.
From behind closed doors Cllr Cocks admitted:
‘The original redevelopment proposal for ten junk food outlets, 15 coffee houses, 26 charity shops, 82 apartments, 11 townhouses, a multi-screen cinema, theme park and a marina linking to the restored Lichfield & Hatherton canal has proven to be undeliverable.
‘A “challenging funding market” has meant that no one is prepared to invest in such a load of bollocks.’
Developer U+I claim to be committed to revitalising the gateway to the city. Deputy Chief executive Richard Upton was still at primary school when he came up with the original proposals. He said:
‘I always loved Lego as a kid and built my own Lichfield city centre out of plastic bricks in my bedroom. But now I am older and have to put away childish fantasies for a more pragmatic solution.’
Details are still being worked out but, in a statement prepared by Mr Upton, Cllr Cocks read:
‘We have a new vision for this great city – a car showroom and vehicle hire facility on the corner of Birmingham Road and a new bus station between the showroom and Debenhams with retail kiosks selling and hiring cycles.’
Mr Upton is sure that funding will be forthcoming for such an innovative proposal. Taking time out from opening other new retail developments up and down the country, he said:
‘This plan will deliver the perfect fusion of the desire of Lichfield’s Council tax payers for superior shopping facilities with the means of transport to access such facilities, by car or coach it’s just ten minutes down the road to Ventura Retail Park in Tamworth.
‘And if you look closely you’ll notice a number of significant milestones on the way.’
Addressing concerns that the abandonment of the original proposals could open the door to a more lucrative residential development on the Friarsgate site Cllr Crocks was told to comment:
‘Such a suggestion is ridiculous, as everyone knows that lucrative residential development is planned for the Bird Street car park.’
Staffordshire County Council proposals to set up of a ‘No Waiting At Any Time Restriction’ on Eastern Avenue between Monday-Friday outside The Friary School has been welcomed by many parents.
Lichfield mum Paulette Mycock spent hours over the Christmas period responding positively to the stealth consultation, she said:
‘This is great news, I need to be at work for 9 every morning so time is short, there’ll be no arguing now when I have to drop the little brat off at Morrisons – he’ll just have to walk the rest of the way.’
Other parents don’t think that the restrictions will have any impact on their school run, local dad Peter Parker said:
‘To be honest, when I’m dropping off the kids I slow down to about 20mph (as the sign suggests) and just push them out. No parking, no waiting. They soon got the hang of it, and the odd twisted ankle is always a good excuse to miss games.’
However young mum Brittany Singleton is in Year 12 and is not impressed, she complained:
‘I live many miles away from school in Weston Road, if uncle can’t take me up any closer than Morrisons then I’ll have to walk the rest of the way. It’s a disgrace, I already have to walk there and back from school at lunchtimes for a fag and to gob-off at the pensioners.’
Head of Friary School Matt Allman has written a letter of objection to the County Council, he said:
‘This is a safety issue. We have a large catchment area and many children live up to half a mile away, how can these morbidly obese pupils be expected to walk to school and back every day?
‘Even for the able-bodied kids, many of them will have to cross through the Dimbles area risking exposure to 19th century diseases and abuse from the self-styled mushroom sellers living on the Bromford sink housing estate. It’s shameful.’
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Lichfield’s Night Watch crack down on “West Midlands filth” breaching the Wall via the Cross City line.
Staffordshire Police have responded in support of Lichfield’s self-styled Watchers on the Wall to rid the city of West Midland migrant youths pouring into Lichfield City train station and causing havoc in the town.
Lichfield’s Watchers, the provisional wing of Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS), have made a number of “citizen’s arrests” in an ongoing operation to stop the young male troublemakers flocking into Lichfield from the West Midlands conurbation.
Lichfield retained control of its borders by opting out the Shenstone Zone Agreement which permits free movement of people within the West Midlands. However over the summer there have been an increasing number of troubling incidents, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Sidney Sprite, 103, said:
‘There have been a number of incidents of violence, sexual assault and burglary in the last month all involving young males from the Birmingham area entering the City via the Cross City train line. In the evening Lichfield City station is effectively an open sewer spewing West Midlands filth out onto the streets of our City.
‘We have been working very closely and sharing intelligence with British Transport Police and West Midlands Police with the aim to resolve this issue.This includes the setting up of external Lichfield border controls in Shenstone.’
Shenstone residents are not impressed, local IT consultant Paul Mycock, 33, said:
‘I’m not impressed. Setting up border controls in Shenstone merely shifts what is essentially a Lichfield problem onto the streets of our village. Brummies have started to set up a makeshift camp in the grounds of UAV Engines. It’s like a jungle out there.’
‘This is the perfect solution to the migrant crisis and, more importantly, Shenstone is not in my constituency. I will be taking the matter up directly with the Transport minister.’
Lichfield residents and businesses have welcomed the news that the Premier League has agreed plans to cap away tickets at £30 from next season.Historically a thriving coaching city, Lichfield frequently plays host to football fans stopping off for refreshment on the way to Premiership fixtures.
Local curtain-twitcher Sidney Sprite, 97, is chairman of Bacon Street residents association, BSTRDS, he said:
‘This is excellent news for Lichfield in general and Bacon Street in particular. As one of the main arteries into the City we frequently welcome coach-loads of away fans en-route to Villa Park or The Hawthorns. There is ample parking on and around Bacon Street and local residents can be relied upon to give a warm welcome to visitors and direct them to the nearest hostelries.’
With soccer fans making savings of up to £30 per ticket they will be able to afford to spend more in the City pubs and bars. Newcastle United supporter Paul Mycock is delighted, he said:
‘Whenever we’re playing the Villa away we stop off in Lichfield and call in at the George and Dragon to re-fuel and decant. It’s great news that next season we’ll have a few more quid in our pockets, I reckon we’ll set off a couple of hours earlier and really make a day of it. We’ve always had such a warm welcome from the people of Broken Street, they take loads of photos and write lots of letters to the Club chairman afterwards.’
‘Whilst a Premiership ticket price cap is a welcome initiative, it’ll be of no value to Villa or Newcastle fans next season. But on the plus side they will both still be in the same league and tickets will be cheaper anyway. Cheers.’
Lichfield District Council is keen to promote the city as a tourist destination, Council Leader Mike Wiltcox commented:
‘Lichfield has been a thriving coaching city since the 18th century and the new Friarsgate development has been designed with this in mind, there will be a brand new coach park located conveniently in what was once known as Burntwood.’
The Leader of Lichfield District Council believes work on a modified and radical Friarsgate development could finally get underway.
Cllr Michael Wilcox made his comments following a tormented, Merlot induced, sleep after Wednesday’s meeting of the Strategic (Overview & Scrutiny) Committee of Lichfield District Council. The Council concluded that the City was heading for a fiscal cliff of over £1m if the original scheme had gone ahead.
The new £100 scheme will consist of shops and leisure provision, including a multi-screen cinema, a marina, a beach and herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically down Birmingham Road.
Development work is now expected to start immediately and should be completed by the end of February. Cllr Wilcox explained:
‘In the light of budgetary constraints it has been decided that the existing development agreement with S Harrison for the Friarsgate project will be terminated. I had expected their completed development to be delivered to us on time in 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 and again in 2013 but there is only so often that you can issue the same press release without looking like a complete fool.
‘In its place your Council will create a Virtual Friarsgate shopping and leisure centre. This online virtual reality cityscape will only be accessible from computers and mobile devices located within the city centre.’
Customers will be able to take a virtual tour of the shopping centre, calling in and shopping at Boots, Next, Marks & Spencer, Harvey Nichols and many other stores that rejected the bricks and mortar destination.
For those without the benefit of mobile computing, a new IT suite will be created within the coffee shop of Debenhams in Three Spires Shopping Centre. A spokesman for Debenhams, Mike Taylor commented:
‘We are delighted to support this initiative. Our store is in fact already a Virtual Debenhams, being much smaller than our other outlets and stocking only one item of a very limited product range. In the likely event that you want something that we do not have in stock you’re welcome to go to the Bullring.’
Additional terminals will also be available in the Lichfield Library, however there will only be limited access as the Library is never open at times when the public wish to use the facility and, in any event, all the staff will shortly be sacked and Library’s resources transferred to Stafford.
It will also provide a boost for local bar restaurant Malt, the pretty blonde girl who works there at weekends said:
‘We have put together a special ‘shoppers package’ with discounts for virtual shoppers who can enjoy fish and chips for £5 whilst awaiting the delivery of their shopping from proper retail centres within two hours of placing the online order in Virtual Lichfield.
‘I’m certainly looking forward to being able to get hold of a wider range of beauty products from Virtual Lichfield. And stop following me,’ she added.
Cllr Wilcox declared the proposal helps deliver the Council’s F4FS policy: ‘As a city we need to work together – To Me, To You, that’s my mantra.’
Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BASTARDS) spokesman Martin Littleone said:
‘We are against this proposal, it will attract illegal immigrants into my living room.’
Anyone wishing to complain about the delay in the original proposals should contact email@example.com