Beacon Park

Lichfield police officer to be disciplined for interacting with the public

Posted on

A Lichfield warranted police officer is facing disciplinary action after being seen walking around town on a Saturday afternoon chatting to local residents and assisting tourists. PC Paul Mycock has been with Staffordshire Police for over 20 years, he said:

‘I am stationed at the new Lichfield base on Eastern Avenue and spend most of my day investigating complaints from people who have been offended by social media posts or arranging for police vehicles to be reliveried for LGBT Pride parades.

‘Last week was a little slow as most complaints related to Boris Johnson and letterboxes, well that’s well above my pay grade.

‘It was a lovely day so I accompanied a colleague out on patrol, she had been ordered to drive around town in circles to give the impression of a strong police presence in the City. She had to alternate her hair style and wear a Michael Fabricant wig on each circuit to complete the illusion .

‘Feeling a little nostalgic I decided to take a walk around town on my old beat, catching up with locals and shopkeepers. Tourists were asking for selfies, assuming that I was part of the deluded local history group that dresses up in period costume.

‘A couple of days later I was called into the Inspector’s climate controlled office and informed that I was to be suspended for behaviour likely to bring the Force into disrepute.’

Staffordshire Police graduate entrant Inspector Bieber, 21, commented:

‘I can’t comment as this is an ongoing enquiry, but what I will say is that such behaviour, interacting directly with the public and addressing their day to day concerns is not what we are here to do and frankly makes the rest of us look bad.’

It is unclear who made the complaint but PC Mycock has his suspicions, he said

‘I have my suspicions. There are certain groups of vigilantes patrolling our streets and parks impersonating police officers.

‘As if the Speed Watch group aren’t irritating enough, we now have the self-styled Lichfield BID Officer Support (LIBIDOS) patrolling the town in para-police officer uniforms chatting to people and helping tourists.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I commend their aims but just like with Catholic priests, scout leaders and swimming coaches, you really do have to wonder about them don’t you?’’

PC Mycock is now planning to take early retirement and hopes to spend his nights with the shadowy vigilante group Lichfield Late Night Listeners.

Anyone who has been touched inappropriately by a vigilante is advised to contact the Daily Mail.

Advertisements

Record number of racists expected to attend Lichfield Proms in the Park

Posted on

A record number of racists are expected to gather in Beacon Park for Proms in the Park on Saturday (September 2) evening. Organisers are confident that there will be a good turnout for Lichfield District Council’s free outdoor rally.
The City of Lichfield Concert Band will play popular music from 5.30pm, warming up the elderly white middle class crowd as they settle down for an alcohol-fuelled evening of benign xenophobia. The band will perform numbers from the movies including favourites from The Dam Busters, Lawrence of Arabia, The Battle of Britain and Bridge over the River Kwai. 

War veteran and BSARA chairman Sidney Sprite, 109, is too infirm to attend the event this year, he said:

‘I can’t come along but will be listening through the open windows of my drawing room whilst the new Mrs Sprite, 35, unfurls Jack up the flagpole in our garden.’ 

The main concert will feature the British Police Symphony Orchestra and classically trained singers performing a varied musical pogrom from 7.30pm. 


Local MP Michael Fabricant is unable to attend the event this year due to global holiday commitments, he commented:

‘I really enjoy the casual jingoism of the Lichfield Proms. Although I can’t listen to that much Wagner, I keep getting the urge to invade Poundland.’

London Midland has confirmed that the incoming Cross City train service will not be stopping at Aston or Erdington from 10am on Saturday. Police Inspector Paul Mycock welcomed the decision, he commented:

‘All are welcome to attend this free event but the Erdington Defense League are not really the sort of racists that we encourage to visit the City.’

Inspector Mycock went on to defend his force’s decision not to kit out its officers in nationalistic paraphernalia nor to drive around in a Union flag liveried patrol car to support the popular white middle class event. He said:

‘That would be a ridiculous waste of valuable police resources and totally undermine the impartiality and professionalism of the force. Whoever would seriously think that would be a good idea?’

Lichfield Women’s Institute chair Mrs Crystal Knight is a Proms regular, she said:

‘I’ve been coming here with my wealthy insurance-funded widowed lady friends for years. We sing along to to those lovely xenophobic anthems whilst waving our flags and holding our flaming torches aloft. 

‘But what we’re really looking forward to this year is the Wicker Man burning to accompany the firework finale. Colonel Knight would have approved.’

EXCLUSIVE: Glastonbury Festival moves north to new Lichfield site in 2019

Posted on

Low hanging festival fruit

EXCLUSIVE: The Glastonbury festival will be moving to Lichfield from its home at Worthy Farm in 2019, under plans outlined by its founder, Michael Eavis. He said the move to a site about 150 miles north of Glastonbury was likely to take place every five years to save the existing site.

Eavis revealed that he had identified the Lichfield location following news of the success of the Tom Jones spectacular and Cars in the Park in Beacon Park earlier this year. He said:

‘Lichfield has demonstrated that it has the drive and the infrastructure to accommodate a musical festival. I am arranging for one year off, say every fifth year or so, to try and move the show from Worthy Farm to a site that’s more suitable, I have to say Lichfield is that site. It will be Somerset’s loss but a massive gain to Lichfield even if it went there every five years, would it not?’

Eavis on the way to the bank

Eavis, who started hosting the festival at Worthy Farm in 1970, told the BBC:

‘We’ve got a wonderful product, what we do, and we can do it almost anywhere. I love my own farm … I might have to move it to Beacon Park eventually.’

Elusive insolvency avoiding event organiser tinyCows commented :
‘We don’t exist, but if the likes of Tom Jones or the Glastonbury Festival waft by in our direction we have a fuck off tent and we know how to inflate it. We’re up for it, we’re forming a new shell company on Companies House website as we speak.’

Tickets for Glastonbury Lichfield 2019 are on sale now, contact the ticket office @The_Garrrick immediately to avoid disappointment

Lichfield Glastonbury 2019

Saxon Warrior statue should be memorial to the former town of Burntwood, claims Labour group

Posted on Updated on

A proposal to commemorate the discovery of the Staffordshire Hoard in Hammerwich by installing a giant statue of a Saxon warrior by the M6 near Stoke-on-Trent  has been criticised by residents of Lichfield and district.

Stoke-on-Trent City Council want to spend £3.5million of public money on the 114ft warrior to celebrate the unearthing of £3.3million worth of Anglo-Saxon gold in 2009 at a secret location near the former town of Burntwood.

Fig.03
Secret location of Staffordshire Hoard from http://www.finds.org.uk

Lichfield District Councillor Ken Humphreys, who represents Hammerwich, said:

‘I accept that my expertise is limited to wasting public money in Lichfield rather than Stoke. But I’m not in favour of it really, the statue will be in the wrong place. Stoke Council would be much better spending that sort of money locating the monstrosity in the Lichfield district where it belongs. But not in Hammerwich, we already have a more than adequate sign acknowledging the hoard.’

The former town of Burntwood has been mooted as suitable alternative location. Due to be closed down completely by the end of 2016, Burntwood plays host to numerous bleak and desolate areas.

Local councillor Sue Norman, endangered Labour group, commented:

‘I’m starting a petition calling for the Warrior to be located here. Burntwood would be ideal, we love dwelling on the past and erecting statues and plaques commemorating bygone eras and many of the locals still speak fluent Anglo-Saxon.

‘As for locations, we have recently cleared Gentleshaw Common as part of the “Scorched Earth” town closure plan and then there is the former housing development site at Milestone Way that is being remediated by means of controlled explosions by the lads in the Army bomb disposal team. Either site would be ideal.

‘But could the statue be made to look a little bit more miner-like?’

fire gentleshaw 2
Saxon Warrior ideal location on Gentleshaw Common

Local lad Paul Mycock,23, agreed, he said:

‘Any plan to pump money into Staffordshire whores gets my vote any day.’

In the spirit of compromise Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant has launched himself onto another bandwagon he has no interest in, he suggests:

‘In return for the Warrior, Lichfield should repatriate the statue of Titanic Captain Edward Smith from Beacon Park to his home town of Stoke-on-Trent where he belongs.’

In a terse response Stoke Councillor Steve Wedgwood replied:

‘Captain Smith of the Titanic? Never heard of him. Forget it.’

Mr Fabricant later commented:

‘Councillor Wedgwood is absolutely right to reject such a ludicrous proposal that I myself have never promoted and I completely distance myself from my earlier remarks. I have been completely misrepresented by myself in a premature ejaculate-tory press release. But I will certainly be raising the matter with the Minister. The matter of overcrowded trains to London that is.’

captainsmith
Going Down

 

 

 

Antiques expert finds nothing of value in Lichfield shopping centre

Posted on

crap2

BBC star and failed antiques dealer Jonty Hearnden was on hand in the Three Spires Shopping Centre, Lichfield to value various items of junk, including  plates, statues, sculptures, old maps and jewellery.

But the find of the day was an old pocket watch belonging to Linda Vixen.

The “Crap in the Attic” daytime TV celebrity said:

‘I understand it was Linda’s grandfather’s watch, and that he was alive in 1912 when, coincidentally, the Titanic sank. There’s a real interest in all things Titanic, so any tenuous link, such as surviving the sinking of the ship even though not a passenger, can really give value to what would otherwise be a worthless piece of shite.’

Mrs Vixen was advised to dig deeper into the history of the watch. She commented:

‘Jonty says it dates from 1890-1910 so it’s fascinating to think that it would have been ticking as the vessel sank and indeed it has survived two World Wars. This watch is just steeped in history and must be worth a fortune.’

Linda moved to Lichfield 20 years ago largely because of  the close links between her grandfather and the Titanic. She said:

‘When I heard that there was a statue of Captain Edward Smith in Beacon Park I just knew that I was destined to live in the City. And what a coincidence that my priceless pocket watch and the ill-fated captain should both wind up in a City with which they have no connection whatsoever.’

Other items that caught the TV expert’s eye, included one well-travelled dinner plate that had journeyed around the Sun and back at least 150 times since it was originally made in Staffordshire in the 1860’s. Jonty said:

‘It’s these sort of stories that make antiques so interesting.’