Beacon Community Church
Lichfield Round Table militant faction, the self-styled District 250, has declared that Christmas is cancelled this year.
Talks between the group and Lichfield District Council to agree this year’s “funding” settlement broke down yesterday (Saturday).
District 250, a dissident band of ultra-right wing egos with relationship issues and an interest in go-karting and archery, has cancelled today’s planned Lichfield Christmas Lights switch on. Spokesman for D250, Dick, his real name, said:
‘We regret that due to the intransigence of the Council we had no alternative but to cancel the Christmas Lights switch on. Our annual running costs have escalated and they will no longer be covered by parading Santa through the streets of Lichfield demanding cash from the poor and feeble-minded.’
It became clear in 2014 that Santa Claus had been kidnapped by the Round Table militants and forced to fund raise for the group each December.
‘It’s a very expensive time for us, we’ve recently returned from Portugal after a week’s golfing holiday and there are many more foreign jollies in the pipeline that need paying for by the local public. That doesn’t come cheap you know.’
Cllr Christmas Spruce, Cabinet Member for Finance, explained the Council’s position:
‘As part of the Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Foreseeable) financial strategy we have had to scale back support for local dissident groups. Discussions with some of these groups have become quite heated. A more disagreeable bunch you’re unlikely to encounter, but after Beacon Community Church this District 250 group come a close second.
‘We tried our best to negotiate a settlement to secure Christmas for another year, we even offered up Michael Fabricant in a hostage exchange for Santa, but they were having none of it. Can’t blame them on that score to be fair.’
Dick denied that they were behaving unreasonably:
‘Why would we exchange Santa for Fabricant? It may not be much but at least Santa bothers to get out to meet the community once a year.’
Further talks are expected to take place next week in a final bid to save Christmas.