As the nation decides and the voters of Lichfield (and half a dozen folks from Burntwood) anoint Michael Fabricant on his triumphant return to Cathedral Close for another term, what becomes of the other candidates?
Chris Worse-y (Labour) leaves Lichfield for the final time and returns to his real life as a Sandwell Councillor hoping to be nominated in a West Midlands constituency that he is actually interested in when he leaves college in five years time.
The LibDem candidate Poor Ray, having failed to be elected either as our new MP or as councillor for Chadsmead returns to his charismatic and ever popular day job as a banking lawyer. The only chance he has of being called “councillor” [sic] is if he transfers to the New York Bar.
Pub Landlord, “the Gu’vnor” Johnny Rackman returns to the Kings Head stunned by the fact that despite the height of his campaign being his faltering rendition of sections of the UKIP manifesto, he has actually come second. Hosting a “private” party in the pub into the early hours of Friday morning celebrating the life of the comedy script writer Roy Clarke, the ruddy faced drunks head off to Burntwood Leisure Centre for the count.
On hearing the declaration he becomes giddy, not through an excess of Pedigree ale but rocked by the realisation of “what the fuck would I have done if I’d actually won”
Rob Pass of the Green Party impressed many during the campaign and benefited from the piss-poor performance of the
LibDems. When even the LibDems own campaign team say they’ll vote for another candidate you know it’s not going to end well. As a result the Greens keep their deposit and the passionate and earnest Pass returns to his beloved Tree house hoping that the coming years will involve more sex.
Water-gypsy and angry T-shirt printer Andy Bennetts burst onto the Lichfield political scene as the Class War Party candidate. Class War is a party of shaven-headed banner-waving drunks, the Provisional Wing of the Labour Party, whose image prompted Michael Fabricant to call for police protection at the Cathedral hustings.
In reality Bennetts fought a refreshing, articulate and entertaining campaign and captured the nature of the constituency perfectly. My favourite moment was at Speakers Corner where a CND/Green lady urged the crowd to join a protest against Trident outside of Waterstones in Birmingham the following day. Bennetts responded:
‘I don’t think there are any nuclear weapons in Waterstones Birmingham, so if you’re serious about protesting get a train to Faslane.’
A Class Act yet he loses his deposit but having been out drinking all day he doesn’t give a toss, after all it wasn’t his fucking money anyway.
The Stick was a late-comer but wowed the crowd with his appearance as Michael Fabricant’s alter-ego at the Speakers’ Corner hustings. He listened carefully to the debate, allowing the other candidates to put their case undaunted by the presence of the great parliamentarian himself. On international affairs Stick remained tight lipped about his travels far and wide around the globe, thereby avoiding the crowd’s heckle: “Pity you never managed to find Burntwood.”
Stick will now assist Michael Fabricant with his constituency work. Whilst Mr Fabricant is busy drinking with cronies in Cafe Nero or retweeting Twanks to his sycophantic Twitter followers, Stick will be holding the fort in Burntwood. Regular surgeries will be the order of the day, Stick will go along to the Leisure Centre twice a month and listen attentively to the health and welfare concerns of the Lost Tribe.
Stick will then say nothing and do nothing, just like Mr Fabricant himself.
Anyone who is concerned about the outcome of this election is advised to wait, another may well be on its way sooner than expected.
As the 2015 General Election campaign gets into it’s stride Lichfield’s Green Party candidate Robert Pass declares that when he is elected as MP Lichfield will become the UK’s first independent Amish community.
Rob will contest the seat currently held by Michael Fabricant on May 7. He grew up in Whittington and attended school in Lichfield before studying Old Chinese Proverbs at Birmingham University. He has also been an environmental campaigner with Birmingham Friends of the Earth and works in the family rag-and-bone company, “Where There’s Muck There’s Money” Limited based in Birmingham.
‘Admittedly I’ve never travelled very far from home in my life, but then a pony and trap has a very limited range.’
The Green Party’s local spokesperson is Whittington based Simon Partridge. The self-styled “Elegant Vintage Vocalist” and lounge lizard crooned:
‘There may be trouble ahead, but while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, we couldn’t have hoped for a better candidate than Robert to represent the Green Party. And dance.’
The Green’s launch party was held at Burntwood Rugby Club where the campaign’s incoherent national policy was explained to an uninterested audience. Attracted to the event by the warmth of the venue on a freezing-cold Sunday afternoon and with the promise of free lentil soup and herbal tea, the five locals were left bemused by the Green Party policy pledges (many of which are true) including:
- Handouts of £250 billion to enable people to “choose whether or not to bother going to work.”
- Basic maths and economics – banned as irrelevant
- Inheritance tax – 100%
- Cars – banned
- Foreign holidays – banned
- Imports – banned
- The sex industry- compulsory.
- Prisons closed and inmates released to work on the land and paint barns doors.
- Independent schools – banned.
- Religious instruction – banned.
- Basket weaving,ploughing and tree-whispering will become core subjects.
- Wispy beards compulsory for all, including womenfolk
- Advertising – banned.
- International sporting fixtures – banned.
- New airports – banned.
- New homes and businesses to provide stables for horses.
- Helicopters – banned.
- Abortion liberalised to allow doctor’s receptionists to carry out the procedure
- Breastfeeding in public – compulsory
- Membership of a terrorist groups – discretionary
- As the standing Armed services are “unnecessary”, bases will be turned into nature reserves and the arms industry “converted” to produce wind turbines.
- The monarchy will be abolished and the Queen will become a tenant of Bromford Housing
During the eight hour launch party Mr Partridge glided amongst the gatherers to give wonderful renditions of timeless Green Party classics such as Pennies From Heaven, Call Me Irresponsible and Anything Goes . Rob was delighted and commented:
‘A big thanks to Lloyd the Bartender, this style of music has always appealed to the Greens – the Big Banned Sound.’
Speaking later from his home in the Tree-house at the bottom of his parents’ garden, Rob said:
‘The Green Party offers a truly bonkers alternative to real world politics. I’m proud to stand as Green Party candidate in my home city and pledge to fight for an economy that functions in the interests of the common good, for a society that is fair and democratic…’
‘…and a planet that is habitable for future generations Rob,’ prompted the Tree, quietly but with a hint of menace.
Anyone wishing to send their loved ones off in style can contact Simon for a funeral wake package at www.simonpartridge.com
The candidates standing in the Lichfield constituency in May are:
- Andy Bennetts – EDL Splinter Left Drunk Faction Party
- Michael Fabricant – Whigs
- Robert Pass – Amish
- John Rackham – Pub Landlord FUKP
- Paul Ray – Sepia Jacobson Bored Lawyer Party
- Chris Worsey – Labour (Sandwell) 2020 Party
The Class War Party has announced the selection of local anarchist Andy Bennetts as it’s parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood in the 2015 General Election.
Class War, a UK class-struggle based group founded in 1983 by Ian Bonehead, became a registered political party in 2014.
Local water-gypsy and part-time comedian Andy said:
‘Class War puts working class politics at the heart of everything that it does, which means it is angry and fucking sweary just like all the great unwashed stereotypical working class that we claim to represent. They’re all at it, those stereotypical working class guys, boozing away the weekend on Carlsberg Special Brew, shagging ugly drunk birds and telling the Filth to “just fuck off out of my face”.’
Speaking at his launch event through a megaphone to group of five Tennents Super connoisseurs Andy compares the general election to a “‘periodic circus”.
‘Lichfield’s MP on May 8 will be Michael Fabricunt, he could go on fucking holiday today to his country mansion and leave his wig to fight the campaign and still win.’
Speaking from his North Wales country retreat Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I take nothing for granted. I stand on my record. Is it over yet?’
Mr Bennetts continued:
‘We’re having more of a pantomime than an election. Chris Whoishey is busy trying to make a good impression on the Labour party in the hope of being selected to fight a winnable seat in Sandwell in the future. Robert Passable (Green Amish Party), Paul Ray (Browne Nose Party) and the Pub Landlord (UKIP) are all trying to raise their profile locally in the hope of some success in local council elections.
‘This election is a lot of old fucking bollocks.’
When not on his canal boat swearing at passers-by and barking at dogs Andy works at Sabcat a Pelsall based Antichrist Workers Co-operative that sources ethically produced fair wear, organic, low-carbon T-shirts and then prints foul language and offensive images onto them for money.
Anyone who would like to learn more about the Provisional wing of the Labour Party can go to https://www.facebook.com/LichfieldClassWar
Anyone who would like to follow Andy’s antics in BBC TV’s House of Fools can go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5x79f1JLL4zYKZpcFKDjvYh/q-a-with-vic-and-bob