Brexit creates record number of zero-hour jobs, claims Lichfield MP

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Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.

The MP said:

‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.

‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’

Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:

‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.

‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’

‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’

Mr Fabricant responded:

‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.

‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’

FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.

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Lichfield MP wears a blindfold to avoid contact with constituents 

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Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant has taken to wearing a blindfold when out in public in order to reduce any possible contact with his constituents

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Michael Fabricant avoiding eye contact with constituents

Mr Fabricant has had a hearing problem for many years, turning a deaf ear to any local issues that do not interest him. In a candid interview with 5SL the MP said:

‘Unless something is likely to impact on my travel arrangements to London, or there is an opportunity to take credit for the successful outcome for a campaign that I have not been involved with, or I can promote of the activities of the West Midlands mayor; then quite frankly I’m not interested.

‘One of the major drawbacks of returning to LichVegas is that my taxpayer-funded long weekends are often disrupted by constituents coming up to me in cafe Nero asking me to do my job.

‘Look, I’ve sorted out Burntwood health centre, I’ve saved the MIU at Samuel Johnson hospital, I’ve secured M&S as anchor tenant for Friarsgate and I will shortly be announcing how I single handedly obtained funding for the Lichfield Southern Bypass. What more do you want?

‘All I ask is that I be allowed to walk unmolested from my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close in search of a skinny latte. If the only way to do that is to remove my hearing aid and wear a blindfold when out in public, then so be it.’

Local plumber and Labour activist Paul Mycock is unimpressed, he said:

‘I’m unimpressed. If it isn’t bad enough that he has no interest in his constituents, he adds insult to injury by doing a very poor impersonation of David Bowie’s Lazarus.

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Michael Fabricant tribute act

‘Talk about raising the dead, he’ll need to start practicing the art of necromancy just to keep his majority with the average age of Lichfield Conservative voters now topping 98.’

‘Jesus wept.’

Any constituents who have been unable to contact their MP will be able to see him by tuning in to Celebrity First Date on Channel 4 on Thursday 2 November at 10pm.

 

 

Record number of racists expected to attend Lichfield Proms in the Park

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A record number of racists are expected to gather in Beacon Park for Proms in the Park on Saturday (September 2) evening. Organisers are confident that there will be a good turnout for Lichfield District Council’s free outdoor rally.
The City of Lichfield Concert Band will play popular music from 5.30pm, warming up the elderly white middle class crowd as they settle down for an alcohol-fuelled evening of benign xenophobia. The band will perform numbers from the movies including favourites from The Dam Busters, Lawrence of Arabia, The Battle of Britain and Bridge over the River Kwai. 

War veteran and BSARA chairman Sidney Sprite, 109, is too infirm to attend the event this year, he said:

‘I can’t come along but will be listening through the open windows of my drawing room whilst the new Mrs Sprite, 35, unfurls Jack up the flagpole in our garden.’ 

The main concert will feature the British Police Symphony Orchestra and classically trained singers performing a varied musical pogrom from 7.30pm. 


Local MP Michael Fabricant is unable to attend the event this year due to global holiday commitments, he commented:

‘I really enjoy the casual jingoism of the Lichfield Proms. Although I can’t listen to that much Wagner, I keep getting the urge to invade Poundland.’

London Midland has confirmed that the incoming Cross City train service will not be stopping at Aston or Erdington from 10am on Saturday. Police Inspector Paul Mycock welcomed the decision, he commented:

‘All are welcome to attend this free event but the Erdington Defense League are not really the sort of racists that we encourage to visit the City.’

Inspector Mycock went on to defend his force’s decision not to kit out its officers in nationalistic paraphernalia nor to drive around in a Union flag liveried patrol car to support the popular white middle class event. He said:

‘That would be a ridiculous waste of valuable police resources and totally undermine the impartiality and professionalism of the force. Whoever would seriously think that would be a good idea?’

Lichfield Women’s Institute chair Mrs Crystal Knight is a Proms regular, she said:

‘I’ve been coming here with my wealthy insurance-funded widowed lady friends for years. We sing along to to those lovely xenophobic anthems whilst waving our flags and holding our flaming torches aloft. 

‘But what we’re really looking forward to this year is the Wicker Man burning to accompany the firework finale. Colonel Knight would have approved.’

Lichfield Bus Station to get a new shopping trolley bay

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Lichfield District Council Planning Committee has approved plans this evening (21 August) for a new shopping trolley bay in the middle of the bus station car park.

Local supermarket shopper Pawelek Mycock welcomed the decision, he said:

‘I welcome the decision, many a time I have had to struggle down from Tesco to catch the bus with half a dozen carrier bags stuffed with discounted loaves on a Sunday afternoon. I’ll be able to take a trolley now and park it in the new bay. It’ll work great with bags full of rancid fruit and vege on the night as well.’

The planning application was submitted by Friarsgate virtual developer U+I Group, its deputy CEO and Leader of Lichfield District Council Richard Upton commented:

‘We could see an immediate need to support the local community and provide a safe drop off point for stolen supermarket trollies where your Erdington grooming gangs could deposit unconscious Lichfield girls before catching the train home.

‘Anyone who suggests that this planning application is a cynical move to give the impression that we are pressing ahead with our development plans is mistaken. We already did that when we closed Tempest Ford, threw 24 workers out of a job prematurely and created a derelict site at the City gateway.

‘And just to be on the safe side we’ve submitted another application to move around some parking spaces.’

Friarsgate Shopping Center is expected to open to the public in Spring 2030. 

“Remove Samuel Johnson statue,” demand Lichfield students

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Students and academic staff from South Staffs University’s Lichfield campus will gather in the City’s Market Square to demand the removal of the statute of Dr Samuel Johnson during freshers week in September.

The “Sam Must Fall” collective describes itself as “a movement of failed A Level students and staff who can’t find employment at a proper university mobilising for direct action against the reality of male white supremacy and privilege in Lichfield.”
Taxi driver Paul Mycock is Head of Philosophy at the college, he said:
‘Samuel Johnson is famous for his Dictionary which, like everyone else, I have never read. Many people consider that Lichfield’s favourite son was intelligent and objective but his work is littered with undertones of the man’s bias in favour of male white privilege.’
Sophie Merchant achieved one A-Level pass grade E* in Business Studies on the second attempt which has secured her a place on the Entrepreneurship BA course at the city’s University, she commented:
‘I can’t wait to get started at Uni and what better way to break the ice with fellow students and staff than to march on the City centre and demolish a statue of some old white bloke who could read and write. What a bastard. 
‘I’ll probably go down Scales afterwards til 4am, then back to a lecturer’s flat for a shag if I’m lucky. Can’t wait!’
The “Sam Must Fall” call has gained momentum in recent days and has received support from non-students from other parts of the West Midlands. Unemployed bike thief Errol Flynn lives in Erdington but is a regular visitor to Lichfield, he said:
‘It’s about time the youth of Lichfield grew a pair and started causing some trouble. I’ve been coming up here on the train for the past couple of years on the rob, the only agro we get is when we put our feet up on the train seats. The lads are all pusssies and the fat girls are gagging for it, I’ve turned to a spot of grooming outside school gates recently but it goes a bit quiet during the holidays. 
‘I’ve never heard of this Johnson bloke but he was obviously a twat, so me and me mulatto mates will be there on the day to bring that statue down. If its a late one and we miss the last train back, no worries, we’ll just hot wire a BSARA residents Beemer and we’ll be home in time to sign on. Sorted.’
Lichfield Campus will be holding an Open Day for prospective objectors on 21 September at 6pm.

 

Lichfield MP secures anchor tenant for Friarsgate

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The Friarsgate scheme has received a boost after Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant confirmed that he has successfully negotiated a pre-let agreement with Marks and Spencer to relocate the retailer to the new Lichfield city centre redevelopment.


Mr Fabricant commented:

‘I am delighted to announce that I have secured the future of the shopping centre redevelopment. The scheme had been stagnating for over a decade in the hands of our low-functioning local councillors, I really had no alternative but to step in to salvage the project.

‘I have been in close contact with the CEO’s of developer U+I Group and M&S over the last few months. Since I became involved at the very highest level, as only I could do to be honest, this successful outcome was inevitable.’

The news follows confirmation that Mr Fabricant has also solved another long delayed project, the Burntwood Health Centre.


 The Lichfield member said:

‘Yes, I’ve been very busy working for the good of my constituents. Not only have I saved Friarsgate but the poor and sick of Burntwood will now get a new Health Centre as a direct result of my intervention at the very highest level.’

‘It will be open within three years. Sorted. Next!

‘Next? Now there’s an idea. Andy, do you have Adam Wolfson’s number?’ 

Former Cllr Steve Norman was unavailable for comment, he said:

‘Why doesn’t Fabricant just take his high level CEO retail contacts and stick them up his asre.’

Burntwood Town Council’s foray into amateur property development “probably a mistake” admits councillor

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Old Mining College
Dilapidated former Mining College building. (Courtesy Lichfield Live)

Former Burntwood Town Council leader Cllr Richard Mosson has admitted that it was probably a mistake for the Council to commit local taxpayers to a property development vanity project.

The Council offices moved from it’s convenient cost-effective location at Burntwood library to the Old Mining College Centre in 2015. Cllr Mosson said:

‘It was a great opportunity, what could possibly go wrong, signing up to a 35 year full repairing lease of a dilapidated building?’

Signing lease
Karaoke DJ Cllr Pam Stokes and Cllr “Mad Dog” Mosson signing the 35 year debt agreement

A meeting of the Town Council’s policy and resources committee last week to considered plans to address the state of the building, including replacement of wooden framed sash windows at a cost of £20,000 and the relaying of floors. The total cost of repairs and refurbishments is currently estimated at over £55,000.

Paul Mycock, an officer in Lichfield District Council’s Legal, Property and Democratic Services department did not want to be identified. He said:

‘I can barely contain myself,’ he laughed, ‘even with the District Council’s resources and proven track record in successful property development projects, we could never make the Old Mining College commercially viable.  But we were saddled with a 35 year full repairing lease from the landlord, Staffordshire County Council. We told them we wanted to surrender the lease and they said “fcuk off”.

‘Thinking that maybe they had been a little harsh, the CC came back to us to say that they would take a surrender but only if we could find some other mug to take it on on the same debilitating terms.

‘There was a knock on the door and who should be there but former Burntwood Town Councillor Steve Norman. And the rest, as they say, is history.’

The Town Council meeting considered various solutions to the dilemma.  Cllr Sue Woodward suggested approaching the producers of DIY SOS or the Restoration Project. Unelected leader of the Council “Cllr” Norman Baker responded:

‘Don’t be so ridiculous Sue, after all it was you and your husband that got us into this mess. No, what I propose is that we spent £5,000 on flowers and a new lawn and introduce a mini crazy golf course. And we should invest in photo’s of Town Council Chairmen past and present to adorn the stairway and the charge local taxpayers who want to view. We could announce these innovative plans on a new £1,000 message board.

‘Sorted. Now where’s my cab? Has anyone seen Brian? The old fool.’

The Town Council’s plans can be seen HERE

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Cllr Norma Bacon picture gallery contribution