Staffordshire PCC Matthew Ellis admitted to Samuel Johnson Hospital with RSI of the finger

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Staffordshire’s Police and Crime Commissioner @MatthewEllis was today recovering at home after being admitted to the Samuel Johnson Community Hospital (@SJCH) with suspected repetitive strain injury (@rsi) to his right index finger.

The 19-year old Police Commissioner admitted:

‘Since being elected I may have become a little obsessed with Twitter, tweeting the most inane rubbish and then repeating it all over again in my “Weekly Twitter Roundup” at the end of each week. This has resulted in a serious strain to my typing finger.’

Mr Ellis has warned fellow serial tweeters @StaffsPolice, @LichfieldPolice, @BurntwoodPolice, @CannockPolice, @StonePolice, @EStaffsPolice,@ACC Blazbey of the dangers, he said:

‘I spnt a day of xmas @ SJCH aftr 2mch finger action pls b carfl’

Other casualties of twitter are also being reported, traffic cop Sgt Mick Stallone of C-unit based in Lichfield commented:

‘ There’s been  a lot of pressure on the lads this festive season, not only have we had to do a full shifts work every day for a month during the Drink Drive campaign, we’ve also had to follow PCC Ellis’ lead and now seem to spend more time on twitter than on the beat. I’m expecting many officers to be on sick leave in the New Year as Mr Ellis has highlighted the dangers and RSI does provide a credible alternative to the traditional bad back.’

Mr Ellis, a self-made politician, has urged all local police officers to limit the use of social media to emergencies only:

‘Many of my voters, sorry members of the public,have contacted me to say that they do not want constant updates on the contents of PC Smith’s lunch box.’

Some though are concerned that Mr Ellis is over reacting, widow Mrs Anne Jones of 23 Field Lane Stonnall, who did not wish to be identified, commented:

‘ I actually find it very reassuring to receive 200 tweets a day from the local police, it certainly makes me feel more secure in my home even though a real policeman has not been seen around here for over five years.’

Hospitals are bracing themselves for an influx of officers with RSI related conditions following the festive season.  SJCH Consultant Ravi Singh explained :

‘The local police have been extremely busy over the festive period, typing their tweets and updating their facebook statuses which, when compounded by doing a full day’s work,may result in many serious injuries to the index finger. We have had to implement the hospital disaster preparedness plan to cope with the casualties.’

Commissioner Ellis continued:

‘This has certainly been a wake up call for me, my doctor explained , in no uncertain terms,that if I continue this way of life there is a serious risk that I could contract a condition that could end my political career, it’s known as Fabricuntitis.’


‘Pandora jewellery is a shit present’ claim throws Lichfield men into Christmas Eve turmoil

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pandora christmas

Lichfield resident Mick Brown had his world turned upside down today when his wife declared Pandora products were ‘crap’.


The 35-year old self-employed decorator explained:


‘Me and Vicky have been together since we met at school. Over the years it got more and more difficult to think of anything a little bit different or special for her, the low point was the steam iron in 2008.


‘Then along came Pandora and all my problems were over. Every Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s Day, anniversary and the day after a stag weekend, I knew that all I had to do was to go along to the Pandora shop and choose a couple of random charms for her bracelet. She was always delighted.’


Mick’s friend Pete Adams fears he may have the same problem:


’The girls had a night out last Friday and, according to my missus, the first bottle of Chardonnay slipped down easily enough and then Vicky went all moody, started fiddling with the beads on her Pandora bracelet and burst into tears. “Expensive tat bought by unimaginative, thoughtless, selfish, lazy bastards, that’s what this Pandora crap is, and to think I’ve fallen for it all these years” she sobbed. As soon as heard that I knew Mick was in big trouble.’


Pandora bracelets,introduced in 2008, have a patented threading system that allows over priced and aesthetically questionable charms to be placed, added and rearranged to create a cheap looking bracelet with a staggering value, when complete, of over £1,000. According to some commentators they are the modern day equivalent of the expensive heavy yellow gold bangles and necklaces worn by the heavily tanned affluent but tasteless ‘new moneyed’ class of the 1980’s and 90’s.

Local Pandora stockist ES Jewellery of Lichfield are concerned. Proprietors Emma and Steve said:


‘Yes, we’ve had a really great run up to Christmas and, yes we have been able to pay off the mortgage on our second home. But if this sort of view gains traction it could have serious implications for our plans for the French villa.’


‘It’s even worse than that,’added Steve and Emma,’if Pandora goes out of fashion we may have to go back to being proper jewellers again.’


The shops are now closed for Christmas and Mick is in trouble.


If you have been affected by this report contact Birmingham Law Society on 0121 237 6004
 who can recommend good matrimonial solicitors.

BSARA look into a hole in the road

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A pothole that appeared in the road surface opposite Chandlers ‘toilet with en suite cafe’ at the corner of Beacon Street/Swan Road over six months ago has been looked into by the Beacon Street Area Residents’ Association (BSARA) and remains unresolved.

BSARA was established in 2001 with a broad remit to enable local residents to collectively lobby on potholes, wheelie bins, Newcastle United scum and any other pressing issues troubling the public-spirited pensioners on the committee.

Committee member Mr Sidney Sprite, 85, commented: ‘Potholes are more than just a nuisance, they can be a real danger especially to elderly pedestrians trying to find their way back to St. Andrews House and to blind cyclists.’

The Ego Hole, as it has become known, resulted from a collapse of the road surface  in Beacon Street over the previous six months. Although some rudimentary repairs have been carried out, a final solution is still proving elusive.

The problem was originally reported to Staffs County Highways in July via FixMyStreet, the website for citizens troubled by dog faeces and illegally parked cars.

Charles Chevron, a Highways surveyor, insists: ‘This was a ‘drainage’ issue rather than a ‘highways’ issue so  I referred it to South Staffs Water.’

Keith Marshall, acting MD of South Staffordshire Water plc admitted: ‘I’m not remotely interested.’

‘Nor am I,’ added local councillor Terry Finn (C0n).

But help was at hand in the form of local lad Sam Wheeler. The 25-year old labourer, currently employed on the LEGO Award nominated Friary Phase 1 development told Five Spires Live:

‘As a cycling enthusiast I was sick of listening to club members moaning about the Ego Hole, so last Saturday night I had a few bevvies with my mates, got some stuff from the building site and went and filled it in. Any hole’s a goal on a Saturday night.’

BSARA’s Mr Sprite is delighted: ‘The lad’s done a great job, though frankly he’s not really Beacon Street material.’

If you live in the Beacon Street area, enjoy writing letters to the Lichfield Mercury and satisfy the age requirement you can join BSARA through their website http://www.beaconstreetresidentsara.organ

South Staffs College removes Savile portrait and hands over curatorship to Daily Mail

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South Staffordshire College has confirmed today that artistic control of the Art & Design course is to be taken over by the editor of the Daily Mail.


The removal from a Lichfield campus exhibition of a controversial portrait of Jimmy Savile, dressed as a knight in shining armour, follows an uproar caused by an article in the Daily Mail earlier this week.


At first resisting the pressure to remove the picture, explaining that it was an ‘ironic’ take on the paedophile and his BBC institutional protectors, the College later capitulated.


College principal Graham Morley explained: “We had no alternative but to bow to the wisdom and moral outrage of the Daily Mail readership and to the artistic criticism levelled at the exhibit by our cleaning lady. Concerns had also been raised by a canteen assistant who refused to even view the work.”


The cleaner, Hannah Mattison, is amazed at the response: “I first saw it when I was cleaning an art room, I mentioned it to a friend and before I knew where I was I appeared to have given a rather articulate quote to the Mail.”


“They’ve even offered me a spread in Saturday’s edition sporting some Kelly Brook underwear,” the 24 year old added.


The offending portrait has now been returned to the unnamed artist who commented: ”I’m looking forward to an expensive foreign holiday some time soon.”


As to the future Mr Morley explained:

“Although the Daily Mail will advise on future exhibitions I can guarantee that this will not impact upon the artistic integrity of the College.”


The next exhibition, due in the New Year, will go ahead as planned and is entitled “Politicians and Families”. Labour leader Ed Miliband and his late father Ralph will feature.

Ed Miliband and late father Ralph
Ed Miliband and late father Ralph

Boley Park residents raise £156 to keep Santa away

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A group of neighbours on Lichfield’s Boley Park estate have raised £156 and donated it to Lichfield Round Table for charity.


John Smith of Pentire Road explained: “We are delighted with the amount raised. Luckily I saw a tweet yesterday saying that Santa would be in the area on Tuesday night, that gave me just enough time to rally the neighbours.”


Sandra Jackson takes up the story :”That’s right, we all agreed, it would be much better to raise the money on the understanding that the Round Table Santa wouldn’t come along our road at all. We’re all busy working parents, I’m out of the house for at least twelve hours a day and when I get home I have to feed and bath the kids and get them into bed. The last thing I need is for a bloody fake Santa to come ‘yo-ho- hoing’ along the road in the middle of Holby City.”


Rounder, Pete “Up the Villa” Adams commented:”We’re very grateful to the Pentire residents for this generous donation, it will certainly go some way towards this evenings fuel costs for our fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero.”


Others however were a little more circumspect. Tabler stalwart of two years, Mike “I’m a Right Laugh” Collins told us: “A big thank you to the Pentire folks but this cut an hour out of our evening and to be honest that’s the last thing that I need at Christmas. I’ve had more time on my hand than I know what to do with since Vicky left me for that Morris Dancer. It’s no laughing matter.”


Santa’s tour of the City streets continues right up to Christmas Eve, so check out his itinerary on to avoid disappointment by being unexpectedly in.



Lichfield MP donates his hair to Christmas Tree Festival charity effort

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christmas tree 2

MP MICHAEL Fabricant is preparing for a hair raising moment in aid of charity in the next few days.

The Lichfield and Burntwood Parliamentarian’s latest prank involves donating his golden locks to the City for the duration of the House of Common’s Christmas recess.

Last month publicity shy Mr Fabricant, 75, took part in Movember – the charity moustache-growing campaign in aid of Prostate Cancer UK –  wearing  a false “wing commander” during the last Prime Minister’s Questions in November.

This week Mr Fabricant will be donating his hair, which will then spend the festive season adorning one of the Cathedral’s trees during it’s Christmas Tree Festival. Starting at the bottom, the blonde thatch will gradually make its way up the tree as each charity donation target is met. It is hoped that by the big day the well known weave will have reached the very top.

The Bishop of Lichfield Jonathan Gledhill rejoiced: “This is a great contribution that Mikey has made to our Festival, depicting as it does the baldness of the baby Jesus and the gradual progression to a luxuriant full head of blonde hair in adulthood. On another level it also looks a little bit like straw in the manger.”

Resident in Cathedral Close whilst he is in Lichfield Mr Fabricant commented: “What better way to celebrate Christmas than to watch your own peruke steadily climbing up through the branches.” Asked what other bodily part would next get detached in the interest of charity, the MP said:”I tried it with my retina earlier in the year and at my age, who knows what will drop off next.”

To contribute to the cause, visit Mr Fabricant’s fund-raising page at

Fire Chief calls for public not to take risks during firefighters strike tonight

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Revellers show support for firemen
Revellers show support for firemen

People in Lichfield and are being urged to take extra care during the next round of strikes by firefighters.

Crews will walk out again between 6pm and 10pm on Saturday (December 14) as part of a dispute over pensions.

Chief Fire Officer Peter Dartford said:
“I am mindful that the industrial action is due to take place when many people will be enjoying Christmas parties or celebrations. While I am keen for people to have fun during the festivities, I would also urge revellers to be careful when they are out and about and to avoid cooking when they return home – why not have a meal out at one of the bars and restaurants in the city where many firefighters have second jobs and businesses.
“Likewise, if you are going to have a drink, stay safe, leave the car at home and take a taxi. There will be plenty available as many firefighters are also full time cabbies.
“If you’re having a night in, don’t leave lit candles unattended. Better still don’t light the candles and just enjoy your fairy lights but if they’re not working then please call a qualified electrician. However one may be hard to find on Saturday night as most FBU members don’t have any qualifications.”
Officer Dartford thanked local residents for their support and reminded everyone: “If you need your car or windows cleaned you know where to come.”