A local knife and fork salesman has confirmed that he will be sponsoring Jesus Christ in Lichfield this Christmas.
Arthur Price CEO Vincent Price said:
‘Christmas is an extra special time, especially for those of us with a raging God-complex. This joyous season presents numerous opportunities for self-promotion. With the assistance of the Very Very Rev’d Adrian Dorber, Dean of Lichfield, I can announce that I will be partnering Jesus Christ himself this year.
‘When Adrian told me that he had a direct line to God I explained that I had no need to contact Fabricant again. But this new partnership is a truly remarkable deal and will give Jesus a real boost in his marketing profile. Together we will welcome people to the vast array of festive events at which I will be photographed handing over cheques.’
The Cathedral Christmas tree is the focus of various events, including the To Be A Light and St Giles Hospice Light up a Life services. In previous years other local celebrities have make charitable contributions to the Tree. In 2013 local member Michael Fabricunt donated his hair piece during the Parliamentary recess.
The self-effacing spoon polisher is no stranger to sponsorship in his inexorable rise to deity-like status. In the summer Mr Price announced his company’s agreement with the Lichfield Garrick Theatre to top up the £360,000 generously donated by the poor, old and sick of Lichfield and Burntwood to support the artistic pretensions of Darwin Park residents.
‘I have been delighted by the pictures of me and Garrick artistic director Harry Hill that appeared in the local media. We have a packed program for the new season, I’m especially looking forward to “The Life and Times of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley” and later in the year, “The Addams Family: The Musical”.’
Christmas giving started early again this year at Arthur Price. In October the cutlery and giftware firm announced a sale in support of the “We Love Lichfield” Fund. Mr Price explained:
‘The idea is simple, in October we increase our prices by 10% and then if customers buy from our factory outlet during November we donate £10 for every sale over £100 to this fantastic local cause.’
“We Love Lichfield” offers grants of up to £1,000 in time for Christmas. Mr Price, a patron of the charity, he continued:
‘The fund helps support young entrepreneurs who can’t yet afford to be as ostentatiously charitable and well-dressed as myself. Do you like my moleskin jacket by the way? Come on, give it a feel.’
The Utterly Rev’d Doombar commented:
‘It wasn’t an easy deal to negotiate, Jesus was reluctant at first, fearing that he would be overshadowed by Vincent in the selfless giving stakes. I think that it was the complimentary set of stainless steel fish knives that swung it. Amen.’