Friarsgate development traffic congestion solved by designating access roads as car parks

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The new Friarsgate development will not add to congestion in Lichfield, it has been claimed.+

On road car parks proposed
On road car parks proposed

In a joint statement Lichfield District Council leader Mike Chuckle and joint venture partners LegoLand and Bang Olufsen chief executive Jorgen Turdskorp said:

‘We are in the process of piecing together the final blocks of this exciting new development. Central to the design strategy will be the need to improve congestion in the City.

‘Our proposal is for Birmingham Road, St John Street and Upper St John Street to be converted into permanent car park facilities, The space previously earmarked for a multi-story car park could then be more profitably utilised.’

Local self-styled councillors-in-exile, BSTARDS, based in Beacon Street, welcomed the plans. Interferer-in-chief, 87 year-old Sidney Sprite commented:

‘BSTARDS welcomes any innovative solution to the city’s problems that don’t involve Beacon Street.

‘Converting City Centre roads into car parks is a no brainer. Most people won’t notice the difference as traffic is stationary on these roads for the best part of the day anyway.’

One suggestion for the top deck of the newly available multi-storey car park has come from local ambulance chief Andy Lance he said: helic

‘I propose that the Midlands Air Ambulance be permanently stationed on the top deck of the car park site. This will save vital minutes in helicopter deployment to scoop up victims of road carnage which is a daily event on the A38 around the City.’

The possible release of the proposed site for alternative uses has also attracted the attention of local God-botherers. The Burntwood Church of the Inexplicable having taken on that town’s defunct No.7 Club (now the rebranded  No.Heaven Club) Pastor Sandy and his sister and wife Liz have turned their attention to the City.

Pastor Sandy said:
‘As the lightning flashes from west to east so shall be the coming of Jesus to smite the moneylenders and fornicators within the Wall.

‘Coffee mornings Wednesday at 10.30, all welcome.’

Cllr Chuckle added:

‘This has been a momentous week in local politics, not only have we solved the traffic flow problems through the City centre by declaring all former access roads to be car parks, but by rejecting the invitation of the Socialist Militant Trotskyist Corbynista Councils to join the West Midland Combined Authority, we have jettisoned all hope of inward investment in local transport and economic development for a generation.

‘But on the plus side we’ve still got The Garrick.’

Mike Wilcox
Mike Wilcox

One thought on “Friarsgate development traffic congestion solved by designating access roads as car parks

    Steve Appleyard said:
    October 15, 2015 at 10:23 am

    our reporter was out on the mean streets of Lich earlier today to find the local feelings of the great unwashed of this city, one interviewie Mary Swampdonkey who wished not to be named said , ouw wut yow tokin bout I ant erd nuffin an an I dun cur

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