Burntwood county councillor Jeff Sheriff emerged from the shadows for the fifth time in the space of a week with the remarkable claim that migrants are attracted to UKIP. He said:
‘I woke this morning to find one sitting on my face, dirty stinking foreigner.’
Popular local naturist and badger-hugger Georgia Locock explained :
‘These migrants have travelled hundreds of miles from North Africa and Southern Europe.
‘ The Convolvulus Hawk moth is the largest moth in Europe with an average wingspan of 10cm.’
Promoting this month’s Moth Nights event , Georgia continued:
‘This beautiful palm-sized creature is attracted by the smell of tobacco, beer and wine.’
Local UKIP chairman Peter Cope said:
‘Our members are particularly vulnerable to attack by these foreign migrants. They have evolved an immunity to the natural repulsion of all living creatures to UKIP policies and are attracted to the overwhelming stench of stale beer and tobacco seeping out of our every pore. It’s time David Cameron stood up to them and told them to f**k right back off to where they came from.’
It has been a particular problem for UKIP Pub Landlord John Rackman (92) of the Kings Head. He said:
‘Give me a minute, I’ve just read something about this.
‘These big bastards are all over us, feeding off our beery hair and beards and they just can’t get enough of our alcohol-sodden soft furnishings. My regulars are covered in them.’
Mr Cole added:
‘These are economic migrants and need to go. They are threatening the livelihoods of our indigenous moths, there just aren’t enough dirty old UKIP clothes to go around.
‘And with a proboscis reputedly longer than their own body length these bastards are a threat to our women folk. We all know that our girls are particularly vulnerable to exploitation by anything with an enormous tongue.’
The bat-sized moth has been spotted as far north as the Shetland Islands. Members of the SNP have been alerted.
Anyone who would like to participate in this month’s Butterfly Conservation Society’s Moth Nights recording project is advised to hang out a beer-soaked smoked kipper in their garden after dusk.
Go to www.butterfly-conservation.org for more details.