Lichfield May 7th 2015: End of Days

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As the nation decides and  the voters of Lichfield (and half a dozen folks from Burntwood) anoint Michael Fabricant on his triumphant return to Cathedral Close for another term, what becomes of the other candidates?

grinch-6_theciacomauChris Worse-y (Labour) leaves Lichfield for the final time and returns to his real life as a Sandwell Councillor hoping to be nominated in a West Midlands constituency that he is actually interested in when he leaves college in five years time.

The LibDem candidate Poor Ray, having failed to be elected either as our new MP or as councillor for Chadsmead returns to his charismatic and ever popular day job as a banking  lawyer. The only chance he has of being called “councillor” [sic] is if he transfers to the New York Bar.

Pub Landlord, “the Gu’vnor” Johnny Rackman returns to the Kings Head stunned by the fact that despite the height of his campaign being his faltering rendition of sections of the UKIP manifesto, he has actually come second. Hosting a “private” party in the pub into the early hours of Friday morning celebrating the life of the comedy script writer Roy Clarke, the ruddy faced drunks head off to Burntwood Leisure Centre for the count.

The Guv
The Guv

On hearing the declaration he becomes giddy, not through an excess of Pedigree ale but rocked by the realisation of “what the fuck would I have done if I’d actually won”

Rob Pass of the Green Party impressed many during the campaign and benefited from the piss-poor performance of the

Tree
Tree

LibDems. When even the LibDems own campaign team say they’ll vote for another candidate you know it’s not going to end well. As a result the Greens keep their deposit and the passionate and earnest Pass returns to his beloved Tree house hoping that the coming years will involve more sex.

Andy Bennetts
Andy Bennetts

Water-gypsy and angry T-shirt printer Andy Bennetts burst onto the Lichfield political scene as the Class War Party candidate. Class War is a party of shaven-headed banner-waving drunks, the Provisional Wing of the Labour Party, whose image prompted Michael Fabricant to call for police protection at the Cathedral hustings.

In reality Bennetts fought a refreshing, articulate and entertaining campaign and captured the nature of the constituency perfectly. My favourite moment was at Speakers Corner where a CND/Green lady urged the crowd to join a protest against Trident outside of Waterstones in Birmingham the following day. Bennetts responded:

‘I don’t think there are any nuclear weapons in Waterstones Birmingham, so if you’re serious about protesting get a train to Faslane.’

A Class Act yet he loses his deposit but having been out drinking all day he doesn’t give a toss, after all it wasn’t his fucking money anyway.

Stick Fabricant
Stick Fabricant

The Stick was a late-comer but wowed the crowd with his appearance as Michael Fabricant’s alter-ego at the Speakers’ Corner hustings. He listened carefully to the debate, allowing the other candidates to put their case undaunted by the presence of the great parliamentarian himself. On international affairs Stick remained tight lipped about his travels far and wide around the globe, thereby avoiding the crowd’s heckle: “Pity you never managed to find Burntwood.”

Stick will now assist Michael Fabricant with his constituency work. Whilst Mr Fabricant is busy drinking with cronies in Cafe Nero or retweeting Twanks to his sycophantic Twitter followers, Stick will be holding the fort in Burntwood. Regular surgeries will be the order of the day, Stick will go along to the Leisure Centre twice a month and listen attentively to the health and welfare concerns of the Lost Tribe.

Stick will then say nothing and do nothing, just like Mr Fabricant himself.

Anyone who is concerned about the outcome of this election is advised to wait, another may well be on its way sooner than expected.

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