Overwhelming public demand forces Lichfield UKIP candidate to agree to a poetry recital

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Lichfield and Burntwood UKIP candidate John Rackham promised local voters a real treat when he announced a series of public readings following his hugely successful appearance at the People InSpired election hustings last Sunday (19 April).

Last orders
Last orders

John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

The city’s favourite barman added:

‘I was delighted that over 300 people packed into the Cathedral to see me and listen to what I had to say. And I can tell you they were stunned into silence by my eloquent reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto.’

The owner of The Kings Head pub in Bird Street can be found manning the UKIP stand in Market Street each Saturday in the run up to the General Election. Accompanied by fellow UKIP members and nightclub bouncers, John hands out leaflets and chats with local white middle-class voters of limited intelligence.

This Saturday (25 April) John will be joining the other parliamentary candidates for a hustings at Speakers’ Corner. John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

He added:

‘Dozens of people have come up to me in the boozer and said “Pint of Pedi please guv’nor” That’s what they call me you know, “The Guv’nor”, like in them gangster movies and Eastenders, ’cause I may be 69-years-old but I’m still fuckin’ ‘ard. And they say to me, “Loved your reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto guv, when can we hear more?”

‘Well there’s much more where that came from I can tell you, join me at the Speakers’ Corner on Saturday.’

At the Cathedral last Sunday John demonstrated his oratory skills as he read segments verbatim from the UKIP manifesto in response to impassioned pleas from the audience for guidance on a wide range of issues. He even threw in an ad-lib in reply to a question on what UKIP would do about climate change. To the delight and amusement of the audience John responded:

‘I’ve just read something about that…oh yes here we are – as you all well know, our position on climate change is “we’ll be keeping an eye on that”.’

After the break in proceedings,during which the congregation were invited to use the toilet facilities in McDonald’s Restaurant, John returned to the stage to apologise for the poor sound quality during the first session. He explained:

‘Apparently I should hold the microphone closer to my mouth, which I find a little bit of an odd suggestion as most of the time I’m talking out of my arse.’

Missing presumed dead
Missing presumed dead

The Kings Head is the oldest pub in Lichfield dating back to 1408 and is the birthplace of The Staffordshire Regiment. In honour of the pub’s military connections John has expressed a wish to expand his public reading repertoire. He explained:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.

‘I plan to find time at the next hustings to give a poetry recital with a military theme.

‘ I had originally considered something by Siegfried Sassoon, but then our UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff pointed out that the guy must be a bloody German, that his middle name was Loraine and that after the War he went on to become a ladies hairdresser. That ticks all the wrong UKIP boxes.

‘So I’ve chosen “Dulce Et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen, he sounds like a good old fashioned  English heterosexual to me, even if his poem does sound a bit French. Here’s a little extract:

“But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,

And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…

Dim, through the misty panes…”

‘Sounds a bit like me on Sunday evening at the Cathedral come to think of it,’  reflected the 69-year-old boozer.

Anyone who wishes to contact Burntwood UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff, who has not been seen in public since his election in 2013, are advised to contact him either at The Kings Head or with the assistance of a medium.

Al Murray was unavailable for comment.

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3 thoughts on “Overwhelming public demand forces Lichfield UKIP candidate to agree to a poetry recital

    Eddie said:
    April 23, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    THANK GOD FOR LIMITED INTELLIGENT WHITE MIDDLE CLASS PEOPLE. THEY ARE THE BACKBONE OF THE COUNTRY. HAVE LIFE EXPERIENCE, AND GUESS WHAT ARE FED UP WITH THE SOCIALIST EXPERIMENT OF THE PAST 50 YEARS.

      medici2471 responded:
      April 23, 2015 at 6:14 pm

      Thanks for the feedback Eddie, pleased you agree with me.

    Bob said:
    April 24, 2015 at 11:52 am

    LOL!

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