Following failed plans for a new health centre, the proposed closure of Children’s Centres and GP surgeries and the demise of Go Bananas, shocked Burntwood residents have now been informed that the town itself could be closed by 2016.
The proposal is being put out to consultation as part of Lichfield District Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Future) in a joint cost-cutting initiative with Staffordshire County Council.
Lichfield District Council acting leader Mike Wilcox (Con) chuckled:
‘This proposal works on so many levels. Rather than shutting the place down piecemeal as we’ve been doing to date, it makes much more sense to ditch it all at once. Not only will it save the good council taxpayers of Lichfield the cost of maintaining what few services do remain in the wild west, but all those Labour councillors will disappear at the same time. This will provide a welcome shift in the balance of power on the Council in 2016 after we lose control in six weeks time.’
Burntwood Councillor and celebrity granny Sue Norman commented:
‘After the consultation process has closed and the representations of the three local residents who will bother to complain have been ignored, I will fight for the survival of this community. Yes, I’ll start another petition.’
Local mum of five under five year-olds Britney Singleton,19, said:
‘I’m absolutely gobsmacked, you don’t expect this sort of thing to happen round here. I thought the closure of the Children’s Centres was bad enough, cheeky bastards expecting me to bring up my own kids and teach ‘em to read and stuff. Forget it, I’m definitely going to sign Granny Sue’s petition – provided it’s online mind.’
Labour group leader and local butcher Steve Woodward is furious:
‘I’m furious, I say furious. Mrs Norman tells me that she won’t take it lying down, I think she meant the town closure, although we were on the way to a late-night caravaners meet on Cannock Chase at the time.
‘But what’s, I say what’s our local Member doing about this I demand to know. I’m going to sign another petition and not only that, I will be making a further Freedom of Information request to establish the Fabricunt’s whereabouts.’
Chair of Lichfield Conservatives and regular God-botherer Jonathan Hall said:
‘Lord Fabricunt is enjoying a period of self-imposed exile in his North Wales Castle, keeping his mouth shut pending his triumphant return to the City for his coronation in May.
‘He sends his best wishes and hopes that his loyal subjects in Burntwood will soon settle down in their new homes in Brownhills. Amen.’
Labour Parliamentary candidate Chris Whoishey was unavailable for comment due to campaigning commitments in Yardley.
Anyone who would like to sign a Burntwood petition can find them all at www.change.org