Distraught children and parents from the Lichfield area have joined a mounting campaign to “Free Santa”. Campaigners claim that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and is being held hostage by a dissident band of ultra-conservative egos, the self-styled District 250.
Formerly a branch of Round Table of Great Britain and Ireland, a social organisation for middle-aged men with an interest in go-karting and archery, District 250 has, according to concerned local mum Maureen Roberts, gone rogue.
Mother of two, Maureen said:
‘I became suspicious that something was amiss last week at the Lichfield Christmas Lights switch-on. Santa wasn’t driven around the Market Square like he usually is, instead he seemed to be tethered-up outside the George IV pub. When he did appear his beard covered his whole face, it could’ve been anyone!’
Rumours have been spreading throughout the City for some time that Santa had been captured. Publican Paul Pardoe of The Whippet Inn Micropub in Tamworth Street said:
‘The fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero had been abandoned outside my pub for months. Fortunately the pub windows become so misted up with fat boozers’ heavy-breathing and farting that you couldn’t see the car unless you popped out to piss up its tyres. But a few weeks ago Old Bob Brown nipped out to sick-up his pork pie and ale and swore that he could hear a knocking coming from the car’s boot. I ignored the old drunk at the time but now I’m beginning to wonder.’
The “Free Santa” campaign was boosted today when FSL was contacted by a man claiming to be a member of District 250. Nick, not his real name, doesn’t wish to be identified but said:
‘I joined Lichfield Round Table a couple of years ago because I didn’t have a girlfriend but do have a passion for go-karting and archery. But things have now got out of hand. Last Christmas Santa said he wouldn’t be doing the driving-around-the-streets thing again this year, the parents were going to extreme lengths to avoid his visits and, in the wake of the Jimmy Savile scandal, young kids were more likely to phone Childline than sit on his lap.’
‘Santa also said that it was a little incongruous that he, being Santa, the giver-of-gifts, was being driven around the streets begging for cash from the unemployed self-employed.’
Nick says that it was at this point that District 250 realised the serious threat to it’s income stream. Santa was kidnapped, thrown into the boot of the fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero and parked up at various locations around the City for the rest of the year.
The nightly Christmas Santa tour is now well underway, with the discretely shackled Santa visiting different areas of the City every evening. Nick continued:
‘After 12 months Santa was beginning to exhibit signs of Stockholm Syndrome, he seemed to be actively assisting with the money making plans, he created a website http://www.lichfieldsanta.co.uk even suggesting routes for the tour to take each evening. Now the website has a tracker which show’s Santa’s progress. Ostensibly this is a useful tool, parents can now time precisely when to switch off all the house lights or drive to Tesco. But if you look a little more closely at the tracker map it tells a different story.’
Earlier today District 250 issued a statement:
‘We can confirm that Santa is helping us with our fundraising efforts again this Christmas. We’re expecting to have a very expensive year, what with the credit card bill for the New York trip to pay and plans to visit Belgium, Italy and India next year. Please do all give very generously when we visit your house. If we do not exceed last years target by 24 December then Christmas will be cancelled.’
Maureen has asked children and parents throughout the City to join the protest. She told us:
‘To ensure Santa’s safety we are asking everyone to give generously but please also to take part in a silent protest, holding up “Free Santa” placards as they parade Santa through your streets.’
For more information visit www.lichfieldsanta.co.uk