SANDWELL Parliamentary candidate Chris Worsey held a press conference at the Labour Party Conference in Manchester earlier this week to explain his sudden change in appearance.
Sporting what appeared to be a manley “full set” beard and moustache, Mr Worsey explained:
‘Since my selection earlier this year I have been ceaselessly campaigning on the streets of Great Barr to overthrow the middle class smug tyranny of the Lichfield incumbent Conservative Mikhail Fabricuntio. But my message has been lost in the curse of our modern age, lost in the hideous cult of my own celebrity.
‘Day after day, at every meeting I have attended, I’ve been swamped by the public, young and old; drunk on the desire for change but so overwhelmed by my personality that core Labour policies are being overlooked. Policies on the deficit and immigration for example, although admittedly easily forgotten.’
Mr Worsey grew his beard over the summer following his wedding to teacher Mrs Worsey, pledging not to shave again until elected to Parliament.
‘With this beard I have, at last, been able to pass amongst you on the streets of the Fabled City unrecognised, promising the earth with the impunity of the unelectable and no one would ever know that I’d bothered to visit the place at all.’
Political commentators have suggested that there may be some symbolism in the facial growth, coming as it does up against the cranial weave of the current member Mr Fabricuntio.
Local political pundit Gary Thompson, formerly of The Malt bar and restaurant said:
‘The symbolism is clear after a couple of Jager bombs – the hair on the chin opposes the hair on the head, the dark opposes the blonde, the real opposes the enhanced. Cheers!’
Lichfield Mercury editor Gary Phelps commented:
‘What I want to know is – what are the implications of Chris Worsey’s facial hair for HS2?
‘Why not write to us with your inane thoughts?
‘Looking to buy or rent a new house, why not trawl through our defunct property pages?’
Mrs Worsey is delighted by her husband’s new look, she said :
‘I think it’s great, now there’s no chance that Chris will be recognised within the Wall. And I don’t care what anyone else says, I love a man with a slightly odd beard.
‘Yes, take me Leonardo DiCaprio, take me hard.’
Beast of Bolsover, Dennis Skinner added:
‘Fuck off, I’m not your father either, you middle class ponce.’
Chris Worsey confidently expects to shave again in 2025.