HOLIDAY in Portugal and Cornwall this summer a long lost memory?
Wondering what’s been happening in the Cathedral City whilst you’ve been away?
Hanging onto the tail-end of summer before the glorious finale of ‘Jerusalem’ and the fireworks of Saturday’s Proms in the Park?
Dreading the inevitable mirthless descent towards Christless?
Well don’t worry, we’ve been keeping an eye on things from a suitably tropical distance whilst you’ve had better things to do.
And here’s some of the best bits:
Lichfield District Council in cash-grab from council taxpayers’ bank accounts
LICHFIELD District Council raided local council taxpayers bank accounts on 13 August.
The unscheduled Council Tax direct debit payment at the height of the summer holiday season came as an unexpected knockout blow for many cash-strapped locals. A council spokesman said at the time:
‘Never mind, payment by direct debit remains the most simple, convenient and safe way for us to steal your money.
‘We would like to thank you for continuing to pay by this method and thereby avoiding that knock on the door by our over-enthusiastic bailiffs. Please enjoy what’s left of your miserable holiday, sorry the kids can’t eat this week.’
If you would like to discuss any of the points raised, please contact the Council Tax Billing Team on 01543 308882/3/4 who will be unable to help you with your account.
Unemployed Londoners occupy the roof of a Shenstone factory in random show of support of Palestinians
MEMBERS of the London Palestine Action Group occupied a camp on top of the UAV Engines factory in Shenstone.
The group claimed that the Israeli owned company makes engines for Israeli drones.
The company spokesman said:
‘We have owned this land since we stole it from the Lammas Land Trust in 1948 as compensation for the atrocities committed against weapons manufacturers throughout our history. The unlawful occupation of the factory roof by these lowlife gentiles threaten the security of the region, their porridge eating and first floor defecating is a cause of great concern to the local commuters who congregate in The Plough each evening to pass judgement on the ‘lowers’ of the village.’
The siege was eventually ended as a police drone helicopter approached menacingly out of the early evening sun from within the Wall. Powered by a UAV engine the drone videoed the removal of the protesters from the roof by officers on the ground.
Tempted down by a promise of hot pork baguettes and bottles of merlot, ‘Palestinian’ leader Pete ‘Swampy’ Smith commented:
‘By allowing this factory to export drone components to Israel, the UK Government is providing direct support and approval to Israel’s massacres.
‘We demand the permanent closure of the factory and an end to all forms of military trade and co-operation with Israel.
‘But alternatively,if you could just pay for our train fares back to Brighton we’ll be off.’
Outside the factory supporters of the protest massed in their 10’s.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘By a quirk of boundaries Shenstone is not within my constituency, just like Burntwood. But had it have been I would have commented:
‘It is an outrage that the factory roof has been occupied and is a threat to the rest of the premises. I wholeheartedly support the Company should it choose to annihilate those concerned. There will of course be collateral damage to the roof but his can be repaired over the next 20 years by you, the taxpayers, with aid funded by humanitarian appeals on TV for just £3 a month.’
Councillor cleans up local wildlife park
CELEBRITY granny, Councillor Sue Woodward spent her summer holiday litter picking in the former Redwood Park.
Following questions from locals asking if the Park had been designated as the new Burntwood Tip Councillor Woodward commented:
‘No, Redwood Park is not the new tip. We have spent the past few weeks collecting old fag packets, crisp wrappers, chip papers, condoms and the like from the hedgerows. Dog shit has been a significant problem but with the help of JCB from the People’s Republic of Uttoxeter this has also been removed.’
Looking to the future, newly appointed Burntwood Town Council enforcer Steve Lightfoot commented:
‘We are confident that the park will be designated, not as a tip, but as a Wildlife Park, being home, as it is, for all sorts of local wildlife who may find living in a traditional housing a little too challenging.’
Burntwood MP Michael Fabricant gets a bloody nose
FORMER member for Burntwood, Michael Fabricant spent the summer Parliamentary recess addressing the pressing concerns of his constituents.
Whilst the lack of a Burntwood Health Centre debacle continued, Mr Fabricant lobbied against the unusual issue of discrimination against gay men in their right to donate blood.
In an article in the Guardian Mr Fabricant said:
‘It’s so unfair, if a promiscuous heterosexual man having unsafe sex is allowed to donate blood why shouldn’t the rules be applied equally to a promiscuous gay man having unsafe sex.’
Local gay Guy D Hiscock commented:
‘To be frank, if you ask me there are far more important discrimination issues that need tackling than equality in blood donation. But on the other hand, the prospect of feeling a quick prick followed by ten minutes of a rhythmic throbbing is quite appealing now you mention it.’
When not campaigning for the right to donate bodily fluids indiscriminately, the honourable member was upping his campaign for the blood of the cuckolded midget Speaker Bercow.
Alas another campaign of no interest or significance to his loyal Burntwood constituents.
‘A’ Level results day ‘just an excuse to perv over teenage girls’
A GROUP of unattractive, unqualified and underemployed Lichfield ladies complained about the media coverage of our local schools’ ‘A’ level results.
Vicky Pearce of Lichfield Ladies Circle said:
‘We all pretend to be friends and entertain ourselves with baking and knitting whilst our ‘men’ are out having fantastic archery and real ale evenings and driving round in their fully-liveried Mitsubishi Priapic RotundTable car.
‘But then every summer, to add insult to injury, we have to put up with pages of filth in the Lichfield Mercury and that on-line rag ‘Lichfield Died’ following on from ‘A’ Level results day.
‘Page after page of young fit attractive flat-stomached girls jumping in the air, vibrant and full of life, it’s an absolute disgrace.’
Lichfield Died’s football correspondent, former celebrity skateboarder Ross Hawkes defended the coverage:
‘Every year we get sent dozens of photographs on results day by our local schools. We just choose to publish the ones where the kids seem to be having the most fun, just so long as it’s a group of flat-stomached well-endowed hotties. Frankly I’m not bothered what grades they’ve got, as far as I’m concerned everyone’s a winner!
‘The rest I leave for my mate Phil.’
Staffordshire Police become online lingerie salesmen
DESIGNER clothes bought by ball-achingly beautiful Lichfield mom Michaela Hutchings were put up for auction on e-Bay by Staffordshire Police.
Ms Hutchings had been innocently sent an unsolicited gift of £50,000 by the financially incompetent Lichfield District Council and then promptly convicted of dishonesty.
Kayla said :
‘Without prejudice, my understanding of the legal position is that under the provisions of the Unsolicited Goods and Services Act 1971 (as amended), any received monies can be retained as an unconditional gift. As the receiver, so to speak, I had no obligation to return the gift… sorted.’
Mickey spent a modest £7,000 of the LDC’s generosity buying luxury goods by Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Ralph Lauren and Dior, amongst other brands. She generously gave £1,000 to her mum before wisely investing £40,000 for the future in a savings account.
The designer clothes were seized and put up for sale on-line by Staffordshire Police in a bid to recoup some of the £51,006.55 confiscation order.
‘There really was no need for a confiscation order, as soon as I realised the mistake I agreed to give the money back, but it was tied up in a tax-free ISA with interest penalties for early withdrawal. And that’s not something I’m keen on – early withdrawal, so to speak, to be honest.’
Staffordshire PCC Matthew Ellis said :
‘All of these items were genuine, purchased at full retail price in High Street stores and were seized the day after purchase and I for one am delighted to have been the successful bidder for a nearly-new pair of Paramour panties.’
Labour Parliamentary Candidate gets married
LABOUR Parliamentary Candidate Chris Whoishey got married and went on honeymoon, somewhere.
‘Thanks for asking anyway. Maybe see you again in 2020?’