BURNTWOOD residents were astonished to find their local Member of Parliament, Michael Fabricant, was in their town this week.
Local hair technician Britney Singleton commented:
‘We was pushing the babbies back home from the “Sue Woodward Memorial Swing Theme Park” when I spotted an elderly gentleman with a blonde hair enhancement staggering down the street in a confused state. It was almost eleven o’clock in the morning so I naturally assumed that he was pissed.’
Britney’s mum Pauline was with her at the time. The 35 year-old mother of five said:
‘I couldn’t believe my eyes. Britney is too young to remember, but there in front of my very eyes was the fabled Member. In all the years since he was elected in 1992 we’ve hoped and prayed that there would be visitation by the mythical Fabricunt to lend his support to our local struggles and deliver us from this socialist tyranny. And there he was in the flesh – a real disappointment to be honest.’
Burntwood pharmacist Sukhwinder Singh said:
‘We get many mentally challenged locals in here every day. And frankly, to most of them I have to say – sorry I cant help you, try Bargain Booze down the road, it’s the shop with the boarded up windows following an attack by drunks.
‘But, although I tend to the needs of these badlands, I actually I live within the Wall and I’m hoping one day to be allowed into the Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS). I recognised the clown instantly. My assistant took him into the back of the shop whilst I secured the entrance. They were baying like wolves at the door for a sight of the legendary Fabricunt, saviour of the East.’
Mr Singh’s assistant, Pam Larlor continued:
‘Fabricuntio was clearly confused and disoriented when he came into the shop. He said that he’d been on his way to a college reunion in Oxford, when I know for a fact that he got a Desmond in Running and Jumping from the University of Laughborough.’
Mrs Larlor added:
‘He was rambling on about being a high-ranking member of the Conservative Party and having an urgent appointment with the PM at Chequers to discuss his proposed response to recent UKIP advances.
‘I’m stupid and have no idea what he was talking about but he clearly needed medical attention. If only he had lobbied for that new Burntwood medical centre we were promised. As it was Mr Singh just drove him back to the Cathedral City on his way home.’
Mr Singh explained:
‘As we approached the City and the spires of the Cathedral came into view Mr Fabricunt’s condition improved markedly. By the time I’d shown my passport and driven beyond the Wall he was back to his old self, tweeting knob gags on his phone before skipping off in the direction of the Close.’
Any residents of Burntwood who would like to see their local MP again before the 2015 General Election are advised to be prepared for a disappointment.