MANY Lichfield grandparents are praying that they will be left alone over the Bank Holiday weekend.
Betty Smith, a 85 year-old gran of three and great-grandmother of 8 under ten-year-olds said:
‘I’m hoping to pass away peacefully in my sleep before I’m dragged out for dinner at the Bowling Green on Bank Holiday Monday.
‘I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t want them coming round here dressing me up in a hideous S&M outfit and rolling me into the back of their car. I only see them twice a year and this is what they do to me. Then they force the grandchildren to kiss me, I know they’d rather lick the dog’s arse and, to be honest, so would I.’
Daughter Becky laughed:
‘Oh Mum it’s an M&S outfit! She’s such a card.’
‘As in credit card you mean,’ Betty chipped in, ‘and don’t think I’m paying for everyone’s meal either, you scrounging bitch.’
Some relatives are a little more imaginative. Tracey Watkins, mother of two teenage boys, takes her mom out every bank holiday, she said:
‘The lads are grown-up now and always complain about wasting a day out with granny when they could be back home masturbating in their rooms.
‘I knew that I’d have to try something different to liven up the event so I contacted Lichfield Costume Hire.’
Al Finney manager of the costume hire company explained:
‘We were delighted to be able to help Tracey, we took her mother’s measurements and put together a lovely ‘Alice in Wonderland’ costume with integrated Tena Lady gusset.’
‘Mum loved it, it made such a change to the floral outfit we put her in last year. Everyone was pointing and laughing at her, it was great.’
In the opinion of many old folks Easter Day is bad enough, but Bank Holiday Monday is worse – a mastication-resistant pub meal will often be followed by a trip to the local garden centre.
Sheila Plant, assistant manager at Byrkley Park Garden Centre near Burton-on-Trent said:
‘We welcome all of our visitors of course, but I do feel sorry for the old ladies, these bank holidays arrive thick and fast at this time of year. The old biddies are driven up to our front door, hoisted off the towel-covered car seat into one of our complimentary wheelchairs, which is odd because many of them are perfectly able to walk. But it’s those poor people who roll up on a hospital trolley that I really feel sorry for.
‘The family then push them around, forcing them to make inane, jolly conversation and then feel disappointed if granny doesn’t spend an hour smiling at all the plants and flowers.
However not all grandparents complain. Bill Blight is a regular garden centre visitor and commented:
‘Some of the elderly do enjoy a garden centre visit although preferably without the family. It’s always nice to spend time with something with a life-expectancy shorter than your own. But I have to say, some of those perennials really do take the piss.’
Any grandparents who would like to check if a table has been reserved for them and then to cancel the booking can call manager Mo at the Bowling Green on 01543 257344.