THE search is continuing this weekend for Labour Party parliamentary candidate Chris Whereishey who hasn’t been seen in Lichfield since his selection three months ago.
Leading the search is Lichfield Labour activist Ken Redman, he said:
‘Chris disappeared off the City’s political radar shortly after taking off as the Labour Parliamentary candidate back in January. There was a brief fund raising event with his Aunty Jacqui Spliff at an undisclosed location beyond the Wall, but after that… nothing.’
With the assistance of local computer nerd and amateur journalist John Philips, mobile phone records and sporadic re-tweet activity of 17-year-old Mr Whereishey’s Twitter account have been used to create a map showing his possible location to assist with search efforts.
Mr Philips commented:
‘My skills as a technical wizard and amateur journalist have enabled me create this digital map showing a north-south arch of likely locations to the west of the Wall, from Rugeley in the north, through the People’s Republic of Burntwood down to Great Barr in the south.’
Lichfield District Council Labour Group Leader, ‘Butcher of Burntwood’ Norman Steven said:
‘It’s a mystery, I say, it’s a mystery what has happened to our Chris. I fear he may be lost to us forever, lost to us I say, lost to us forever just like those other young chaps Steve Hyden back in 2010, Nigel Gardner further back in 2005 and Marin Machray further further back in 2001. They disappeared, I say disappeared, without trace off of the face of the political earth.’
Not all former Labour candidates have been so easily disposed of. Sue Woodward, who failed to win the seat in 1997, went on to have a fulfilling career as local councillor for potholes, speed-reading and expensive children’s swings.
But in the spirit of cross-party cooperation District Council Leader Mike Wilcox (Con) has put the Fradley Microlight Airborne Division at the disposal of the Labour search party. Wing Commander Michael ‘Mick’ Shea is based at the Roddige Airfield, he commented:
‘We’ve been flying sorties over the northern and southern search arcs for the past two weeks.
‘Earlier today Flying Officer Sandra ‘Sandy’ Sanders spotted debris floating on Chasewater Reservoir, we’ve alerted ground forces. Sandy has done a sterling job despite being a girl.’
Burntwood-on-Sea Coast Guard Search and Rescue leader Dave Kitthoff explained:
‘As soon as we became aware of possible sightings we despatch a couple of windsurfers off to investigate. They returned to base after the wind changed direction three hours later.
‘Unfortunately, all they found were a couple of soiled disposable baby nappies and a floating bag of dog turds. Nothing unusual for Chasewater in fact.’
Meanwhile publicity shy, local pantomime ‘MP’ Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I have nothing against the lad, in fact… I rather wish I had! #sexualinuendo. But I warn him now, I don’t give up my seat easily #sexualgag. Did I just say gag! [Panto face] He’s behind you! Haha ho ho I’m on fire today. Must have been that curry …bum bum!
‘But please remember I am a serious politician, I wore a suit last week in Preston Crown Court. REDACTED-REDACTED-SUB JUDICE-REDACTED. Although, as I’m not a lawyer, the judge was absolutely right to order that I remove my wig in court.’
Meanwhile, the search goes on. Anyone who has any information that could help to trace Mr Whereishey should contact their local Labour councillor . Anyone who could help trace over 17,000 missing voters in time for the next general election is advised to wake up.